More evidence that the Slurrey school system is a failure!
Read the following passage from one of my friends who just recently graduated from the system (sound out the words if necessary) read it SLOWLY word for word!
"Secondly.... i don't work any where near a computer, and even when i do get a job with computer i'll be making a lot more than will be an the next 5 years a least... mean while you'll be sitting in a trialer park drink beer and tokin with your buddies"
I saw the movie "Cast Away" today. It was the fucking awesomest movie up until the ending. Boy was that shitty. That movie is gonna win an award for the stupidest ending ever, which totally ruined the point of the entire movie.
Ok allow me to explain the predicament I was in yesterday. After work at 3 we went to the bar to have a few beers (yes they actually served me). Well, I had a headache so I only had 2 beers. Then I went home and got ready to do some christmas shopping. I went out and got a few things, and came back at around 6. I ate supper and without thinking, I had 2 Tylenols. Extra fucking strength.
Chad told me: "Oh my God ancemetophen and Alcohol that's a BIG NO NO! -- That'll make you so fucking sick!" Well, he was telling me this as I was puking into my custom-made "Morning Bucket�". I swear, it was like a hangover from the depths of hell itself. I dunno how, but I think I puked more stuff than I had actually eaten all week. Then I fell unconscious on the floor amid the spiders and pizza boxes.
I woke up 3 hours later at 11, and looked at some porn, and went to bed.
Today, I woke up feeling so damn good that I cleaned my room. After all, if I ever fall unconscious on the floor again, I don't want small animals crawling all over my face. So the moral of the story is: Don't mix alcohol and Tylenol. But hey.... everyone but me knew that one.
Just to inform all members and visitors that the Vice President of this site will be in Vermont for Christmas for the next week so there will be no posting done by me. By the way MiKE thanks for agreeing to allow me to pay for my plane ticket and all my family's tickets to Montpelier from your bank account (the money has been automatically debited).
Merry Christmas, and I will see you all in the new year!
Cats are fucking scary. It's just the way they look at you... what are they thinking? Are they planning to kill you? Are they trying to use their psychic skills to drive you insane? Are they sexually attracted to you, and are undressing you in their minds? It's crazy I tell ya.... CRAZY!!! Fucking cats.
I asked Santa for some broken glass and a bottle full of dead bees, and he told me to go fuck myself, so I gave Rudolph some Viagra and he raped Santa Claus up the ass. Then I had a dream of many dead naked chicks floating in the ocean.
Gotta love that new bowl of cum picture at the top of the page. Whoever spends all their time squeezing the splooge out of used condoms sure knows that semen is full of proteins. Nifty. Sure captures the feeling of our great hometown.
THE SLURREY SHOW IS FINALLY UP. Thank god. I have found a new encoder that finally works, Ulead Video Studio 6.0. It's a beautiful program, and has possibly saved the Slurrey Show from the depths of my hardcore midget porno tape.
Adobe Premiere is also a beatiful program; it has a nice unique way of crashing my computer. It makes all the screen go fucked up. Weird.
I come to you tonight as a tired man. I have been trying extremely hard this evening to get several programs to work, and it has certainly been a difficult task. As many of you are aware MiKE has wisely chosen to change the name and content of this site from "twistedmike.com" to "slurrey.com."
A question that many of you have certainly been debating is what is "slurrey"? Some of you have thought it was sexually transmitted disease filled vaginal discharge, others believe that is the mixture of feces and urine that is often left in the toilet by people who do not realize that toliets are designed to be flushed, still others have thought of it as some sort of purple fungus that appears in your local river and is ingested by you on a regular basis through the fish that you eat (no fish eating jokes please).
Essentially, it is all three of those things combined into one grand sespool of scum. You see we live in a city called Surrey, and many people here call it "Slurrey" to convey their great respect for our fair city. And why would they not love it? The drugs are cheap, the women are easy, and the streets are paved with gold...paint (and even that is peeling off the roads). Naturally we all will attempt to represent Slurrey in all of its grandure and glory, and give it every ounce of respect that it deserves.
I am honoured to have been chosen as this great site's Vice President and I find it incumbent upon me to ensure that everyone receives a fair and honest perception of myself and Slurrey. I reach out my hand to each and every one of you who view this site and welcome you to the greatest website known to man.
Thank you for your patience as you bear witness to our great advances, visit Slurrey sometime and you will get a real impression of what we have to deal with at this time day in and day out. The President, myself and all of our staff members are elated that you have decided to view our site.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!! Watch this Flash animation from Newgrounds NOW!!!!!!!! It one of those videos that will make you burst out laughing hard enough to shit yourself, and later on you'll remember the video and nurst out laughing in some library or other place and embarrass yourself.
I am having trouble encoding the Slurrey Show, thanks to my megahertz-challenged computer. Looks liek the show will now be in Windows Media Player format. It's encoding right now with no problem. Check back in an hour after this post.
Ok, if you want to be a staff member for this site, leave a message in the discussion board. But first, here are some requirements:
- You gotta be able to post at least once a day. Anything. - You gotta have at least somewhat of a sense of humor, or the ability to bitch about things quite well. - Being from Slurrey, BC, Canada is a plus!
It's been quite a while since the last update. The last few days I have been writing some Copside 3 script, making some new graphics, fixing my computer from yet another breakdown, and.... (drum roll)... WE DID THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE SLURREY SHOW!!!!
The Slurrey Show will be here tomorrow, it's 30 minutes long, and it's gonna be in realplayer format so you don't have to download it. I'll put it up as soon as I get home from work, cause I'm sure it'll finish compressing by then.
This site will be getting an overhaul pretty soon, with new staff members too!!
This fucked up world is a fucked up place. Everybody's judged by their fucked up face! Fucked up dreams and a fucked up life, a fucked up kid with a fucked up knife. Fucked up moms and fucked up dads, a fucked up cop with a fucked up badge. A fucked up job at a fucked up place, and a fucked up boss with a fucked up face. Fucked up press and fucked up lies, we'll leave them in the truck with their fucked up eyes!
And then they're saying that you can't say fuck!! Fuck's just a word and it's all fucked up! Like a fucked up punk with a fucked up mouth, a nine inch nail that gets knocked the fuck out! A fucked up age and fucked up sex, fake ass titties on her fucked up chest! We're all fucked up so what you going to do? They fucked up me and fucked up you!
It's snowing. "IT'S THE COMING OF THE LORD!!!" Today at work it started snowing after lunch, and after only 2 hours there was like an inch and a half of that white shit on the ground. The entire construction site was a deathtrap. So anyways we get to leave early, but it took 3 FUCKING HOURS to get home with all the retarded traffic!
To all the drivers out there without proper tires for handling snow: PULL OFF THE FUCKING ROAD AND LET US MENTALLY SUPERIOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE SNOW TIRES GET BY!!!
I was jax0ring to pictures of tree branches (oooh so hot), but I guess I was yanking on my doodle a little too hard and it came off. As soon as it came off it bit me and I dropped it and it started wiggling away. I started chasing it but my penis was too fast for me (I guess all that masterbaitin is like exercise, it made it stronger) and it started getting away, and now we were outside in the neighborhood. To stop my dick from making its escape I picked up a big rock and chucked it towards my fleeing knob. The rock smashed my cock into the ground, stopping it dead in it's tracks. I ran up to it and stomped the hell out of it to make sure it wouldn't go any farther. Then a dog grabbed it and ran off with it. I chased the dog down the street and it went behind the neighbor's house and tried to bury it. I tackled the dog and bit its nuts off and it ran away. The I picked up my penis. It was all busted up and covered in dirt and bleeding and flies were all over it (pretty much the way it always is).
Does anyone out there know how I can re-attach my weeny? By the way it smells like the dust bag in a vaccuum cleaner!
Well think about it. Cat's can't reach theor paws to their asses. So how can a cat scratch its ass? Well, cat tongues are rough so what else is a cat to do than lick it's butt to scatch it? I mean, people scratch their butt all the time. Why can't cats?
Spookus had a 3-inch penis growing out of his forehead. It was quite irritating because whenever he saw a hot chick, his penis would become erect right in front of her, which would be quite embarassing. He went to the doctor to solve his 'little' problem. The doctor said, "I can't remove it. You'll have to do it yourself somehow." Spookus felt hopeless. Then suddenly he had an idea. He took some scissors and sliced it off. Surprisingly, the penis became alive and grew legs and said, "You have finally freed me! I shall take over the world!". ANd then the penis took over the world, and from then on all hot chicks had penises.
The moral of the story: If you don't want hot chicks to have penises, then don't grow one on your damn forehead.
I checked the guestbook today, and noticed that for the first time in almost 2 weeks, someone has signed the fuckin thing! Well, 2 people to be exact! I am so happy I think I may blow a load all over my keyboard.
If you are reading this right now, sign the goddamn guestbook!!!! Thank you for your masterb... err... cooperation.
I watched the movie Gone in 60 Seconds today. Damn good movie, especially with Angelina Jolie in it. Holy shit is she ever hot.
The Slurrey Show won't be filmed this weekend, cause we still gota make preparations and shit. Hey, would you rather see a show with just a bunch of guys screaming into the camera and doing stupid things, or would you rather watch a show with a bunch of guys screaming into the camera and doing stupid things in a funny sorta way? I rest my balls... errmm.. case.
There once was a guy named Booger, who liked to stick small animals up his butt. One day he decided to stick a rat infected with rabies up his butt, so he threw the rat into his ass (he also had a fetish for shoving hockey sticks in there, thus making his asshole quite large). Then, the rat bit him on the inside of his ass and took a shit in there. Booger screamed in pain, and later on that day he pooped out rat poop, and his wife (she had a penis) made fun of him ("Haha you pooped rat poop! You rat! Haha!"). Then he went to the doctor and the doctor told him that he had gotten infected with rabies. He started foaming from the butt.
The moral of the story: Don't stick rats up your butt.
For whoever can't figure it out, a fire snatch is the pussy of a chick with red hair.
Tiger torches are cool. Basically they are propane flamethrowers that are used to heat up/burn stuff. I got to use one at work today... and no one there knew that I am a pyro until now. I was supposed to heat up the walkways to melt the frost off them so no one would slip. Well, I did that AND lit a few small things on fire. Shit that tiger torch is fun!!
Licker of assholes. I installed a new 60 GB hard drive in my computer, and suddenly my whole fuckin computer wouldn't even turn on!! I spent all day today trying to get the damn thing working, so that's why this page was down a lot. Feature 5: Random Idiocy is coming tomorrow. Peace.
I went to the mall today because my watch needed repairing and so anyways the ugly bitch at the counter was like "$2.28" What the fuck!!!! I cannot believe that my watch is under warranty for 10 fucking years and you're going to charge me $2.28! What do you think I am, made of money? So naturally I was pissed right off so I stormed out of [insert major retailer's name here] and there were those stupid double doors and some woman with two small children were coming in I pushed open the door and I heard her say "Maybe this nice man will hold the do....." I let the door closed and it slamed into her buggy. Then from behind me I heard "Ahhh YOU JERK" I turned around and in my best beaner voice said "what?" "screw you bitch." I know that wasn't a nice thing to do especially with two small children around, but I am not a nice person!
Fuckin shit!!!! At work today I went to take a shit in the shitter, and I saw that it was fucking full!!! I swear, I opened the lid, and there was this mountain of shit under it almost reaching the top!!! It was kinda shaking too, like gelatin, as if it were alive. It smelled like Satan's ass too... fuck!
It now points to this page, but soon it will have it's own page where you can hear Surrey Jokes, view the Surrey Slut archive, read about shit that happens in Surrey, and see all the pranks and shit we do!! It'ss be a kickass page! Coming soon!
I've decided that this site will become a little more Canadian. How, I have no idea. But I know one thing, there aren't many Canadian EN sites out there. Hell I don't know ANY.
CanadiEN. Hey I like that... has a nice ring to it.
Fuck I also need more staff. Not that there is anything wrong with the current staff (coughcoughinfrequentpostingcoughcough), but a little variety would make this site appreciated by people other than the weirdos who like to hear about me and my misadventures with my 72 foot shlong.
Once I get a reliable host I can start advertising my site, without worrying that too many people viewing it will cause my computer to explode and blow up my house.
There is a rumor that a giant fire-breathing penis is swimming towards Tokyo right now to cause mass destruction. Is there any hope in defeating the almighty Cockzilla? Tune in next time MiKE smokes some very good shit again!
Features 3 and 4 are up on the Features page. They were up since this morning, but I was unable to post on here cause my computer was busy crashing itself repeatedly. Everyone knows that feeling of "Oh shit..." when they turn on their computer and the monitor suddenly tunrs off in the middle of loading Windows.
I am sitting here listening to am MP3 while doing some Photoshop editing, and everytime I apply any special effects, Winamp emits a heavy FARTING sound. Since when did computer programs start making bodily function noises?
Thank Artificial Intelligence for that. Soon computers will be taunting us, and taking shits in our toilets.
Features 3 and 4 are coming this weekend, and maybe some videos of us making prank calls too if I ever get my retard computer working properly again. Feature 3 is us at Boston Pizza doin funny shit, and Feature 4 is us causing mayhem at our high school. Fun shit.
Holy shit it was raining and cold and shit at work today.... and I LOVED EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT. I mean, you can't change the weather, so why make yourself misearable over it. Besides, time goes a lot faster when you are enjoying the cold and pneumonia and shit.
I noticed something. 90% of all girls from my high school that use ICQ have unreadable names with really weird symbols. Coincidence? I think not.
Fuck, that is so pathetically lame. While there are some really hot chicks on there, 90% of the 'people' on there don't even look remotely human. Am I one of them? YOU decide!
Oh and some guy set up quite a few live cameras in his house. You can watch him eat, sleep, feed the girlfriend and fuck his cat. There is also a chat room thingy beside the live camera player so you can chat to him and he'll tell you to fuck off. Funny shit. www.weliveinpublic.com
It's like an "error 404: file not found", except I don't know what the fuck this one means. I think the people at Blogger are too busy spanking each other with quite sizeable rubber penises while listening to Elton John, to help me out. Fack.
Here's another reason why there haven't been any updates around here for the past couple of days. Everytime I try to update with Blogger, it givs me an error message. Here is what they say is the problem:
More server problems. As you have no doubt noticed, we're having more problems with our servers here. We thought we had the problem solved the other day, but obviously not. We're trying our best to deal with a flood of new users. We have some major upgrades in the works, but we're going to have to ask your patience for a few more days. Sorry for the annoyance. Thank you.
I don't expect this update I'm writing right now to work either. Damn.
For the past few days this page has been down a lot. I havn't been on ICQ. I haven't gotten my porn fix, so my room has a case of 'sticky walls'. You know why? Cause my computer got fucked while I was installing a new cideo card. You see, I bought and ATI Rage128 ViVo, the one that lets you capture video AND output it onto the TV, and also accelerates your graphics to bitchin quality. All for only $199.
Well, it comes with a price.
It will also fuck with DirectX 8, won't install properly, and even though I'm sure Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.0 has nothing to do with accelerated 3D graphics, that crashes too now. So basically I spent the last 3 days trying to install new drivers, and rebooting my computer.
Rebooting my computer fucking blows green goats. It takes Scandisk about 30 fucking minutes to make sure my hard drive is intact. Keep in mind that with my new video card installed, the computer would freeze if I MOVED MY MOUSE TOO FUCKING FAST. Excuse me? I thought I had just bought a graphics *ACCELERATOR*. How much graphics power does it take to move a mouse across the screen? FACK.
Well, now everything seems to work better now. This webpage is now officially back.
For those of you who don't know me I have a mild obsession with politics. People often ask me why I am so interested in politics and here's the most condensed answer that I can give.
Why am I so interested in politics? If I were to answer you very simply I would say this: why shouldn't I be interested? That is to say, what blindness, what deafness, what density of ideology would have to weigh me down to prevent me from being interested in what is probably the most crucial subject to our existence? The essence of our life consists, after all of the political functioning of the society in which we find ourselves.
FUCK SHIT BITCH FUCK TIT!!!
Eminem/Limp/Xzibit/etc concert is fucking cancelled. Why? Cause Fred fucking Durst has a sore throat. Lizard humping cocksmacker!!!!!!
Well, at least I don't owe Eric so much fuckin money... and I got off early from work today. Yay.
PS On my way home from work I stopped by for an hour to watch this HUGE ASS fire!! Holy shit it was big. Who would know that a 3 storey house could make so much smoke? I was hoping it was a marijuana growin house but when I tried to inhale the fumes pouring out into the street... well... I don't remember... I regained consciousness an hour later.
Ah it was a nice long weekend. Not like I really did anything special... well I ate a large brick last night. Let me tell you that bricks don't digest very well. I had the unfortunate experience of shitting it out... and it broke the toilet.
We got lots more videos coming soon. Really fucked up ones... expect them online sometime at the end of the month.
I am fucking pissed off today at little kids who act like even littler kids, I'm sick and tired at people criticized by people who don't even know me. At least have the decency in you to leave me alone when you freaks see me out in the halls when I'm talking and hanging with my buddies to not come and speak to me. I don't know you, and no I don't owe you a motherfucking thing, I'm not Mr. Game link, I'm not what your friends think, I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick. Frankly I don't give a damn about you all!! I'm a sucessful university student and I am your teacher!!! so fuck y'all all y'all if you don't like me blow me!! That's right kids I AM your teacher I deserve a little respect!
Ok ICQ sucks rotten dolphin nuts. I couldn't log into my account today, it kept tellimg me that my "rate limit has exceeded" or some shit like that, and it told me to try again in a few minutes. A couple of hours later, I still was unable to log on. Pissed off as hell, I unzipped my pants to jizz on the computer, then suddenly ICQ started working again. Nothing works better than the sound of the fly goin down.
ICQ stands for "I suck you". Ha ha. I made another funny.
Today this webpage was down. My computer crashed horribly, as you can see in the "MiKECAM LIVE" section. Fucken computer.
Anyways I took a shit today. It was one of those 40 foot long turds where you have to keep walking as you're taking the shit, or it will coil up underneath you until you end up sitting on it. I left it lying in the middle of the street. Oh yeah.
I think it is because I go to sleep at around 12 AM every night, and get up at 5 am every morning. Studies suggest that you sleep for at least 8 hours to function properly, and I sleep only 5.
Eureeka. I have descovered the reason behind my mental retardation. No wonder I don't update this page that often on weekends... I sleep in, therefore I'm smart enough to stay the fuck away from this page.
If you are ever on Napster, I am known on there as "the guy with all the fuckin video game music!!!" or by my username, _crapster_. Feel free to leech all my videogame MP3's off me, I'm the only one there who has so many.
Sir Breastinspector has died.
It seems he was analyzing the saggy tits of a 600 pound old woman, when one of them rolled on top oh him and smothered him. Sir Breastinspector was unable to escape (being a scrawny short 12 year old?), and died while doing what he loved best. His body cannot be recovered due to the depth of the fat rolls he is embedded in. How terrible!
Ever since the Backstreet Boys have infected music with their so-called 'music', I have been wonder how the hell these guys even became popular. They can't sing, play their own instruments, or attract any female over the age of 11. Well, I have just found the answer:
I've been to busy to post anything for days now. I don't blame IMWonderwomen for being an annoying bitch. I'd want to kill me if I wasn't me too. But you have to admit, she is rather amusing (for a moron). My nick name is pissing me off so bad, I should of sat and thought what nick name I wanted, instead of choosing the first thing that popped into my head. I just really love the old Meow Mix commercial. i'Ve goTTen iNtO thE HABIT oF goinG tO BEd at 9:30, so i'M reAlLy tiREd rigHt noW. sO me ThinKs ME wiLl be gOiNg to BeD sOoN. CAT pOOp sMELls.(Theres a little something for you to bitch about IMWonderwomen.)
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! WE'RE GONNA BE FAMOUS!!!!!!!
I got this in my email today:
My name is Claudine Parrish and I'm the assistant producer of a number of TV
clip shows which air on UK television.
I am writing to enquire whether you would be interested in having clips from
any of your twisted home movies featured on British television?
Our current production is a show called 'Tasteless TV' for the cable channel
Bravo. It is a collection of warped, strange and sexy clips from all over
the world with the emphasis on the bizarre and the hilarious accompanied by
an informative and witty voiceover.
I do hope that this is an opportunity which you are interested in. Ideally,
would it be possible to send us some screeners on VHS? Anyway, please do get
in touch and we can discuss how to proceed.
What the fuck is with daylight savings?? What the fuck is the point of setting the clocks back an hour? It just screws up everyone's biological clock, and I have to change the time on all of the 78 devices I own with clocks on them. Goddamn.
What's even worse it that it gets darker earlier. Daylight savings my ass! I don't see longer daylight, just less daylight. What the fuck man? At work now it gets dark at the end of the day and I am fumbling around the site in darkness, running into things and getting stabbed with pieces of reinforcing steel bars. I am still bleeding in 167 different places as I write this. Jeezus.
GO POST ON THE DISCUSSION BOARD RIGHT NOW!!!
Remember... YOUR opinions count on here! Well, not really, but the twistedmike.com staff posts there regularly and I always answer any questions on it so check it out!
We're havin fun in there hurling insults at each other!
Those of you lucky enough to play this game for the Super NES know what an awesome game this is. You travel through time trying to save the world, and meet really screwed up people, like a vampire-thing with blue hair, a frog with a sword, a mentally challenged robot, and a cave girl who looks like a supermodel. You even get to race against ... a dog with wheels named Johnny. Seriously!! He looks like a cross between a mutt and a motorcycle! What the fuck!
People are wondering where Sir Breastinspector is. Though he said he would update every day on his injuries he recieved from work, he hasn't been around for 2 days. The word is that he probably died or something. Or maybe not.
Once Copside 3 hits the internet, we'll all be famous. Hell, Copside 2 hasn't even been released to the public video sites yet. Once people watch Copside 2, it will become so popular that we can hype the shit out of Copside 3, even more so than Sony hyped the shit out of the Playstation 2. The difference is, we are hyping up something that will be worth the hype, get it? Click on the image below to go to the Copside site and watch Copside 2.
Today at work I was trying to get out of a 5 foot deep pit, and while I was jumping up my knee hit a pointy rock sticking out from the wall. OWWWW FUCK SHIT FUCK CRAP RABBIT DAMN!!!!!! I usually don't feel that much pain, but this hurt like a fat bitch. I couldn't get up for 5 minutes it was painful. Then the rest of the day I was limping like I had a dead gerbil up my ass.
It was pretty boring this year. Me, Eric, and M.C. Rae just walked around the whole night and talked about things like the elections and chicks. The "word on the street" was that there was trouble brewing at the schools, but we didn't go there.
Well, Dark Angel was on tonight, and Jessica Alba seems to get better looking each episode (with the exception of the last one... which played twice in a row). Did you see what she was wearing??? HOLY FUCK!! And her lesbian fish-eating friend also looked kinda fuckable too!
Well today work sucked... i spent most of the day "Dog Fucking"... for all of you who don't know what this means... it's not what you think. But all i managed to do was drilll my finger today... it bled pretty damn good... but nothing real exciting, i promise to be less careful in the future.
I would like to take this oppourtunity to welcome "Sir Breastinspector" to the staff and say:
YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARD UUUUNNNNNNGGGGHHHHH
Let us start with the name itself "Sir Breastinspector." It is said that one talks about most what he doesn't have (or can't get). "he he he DUH I inspect bresteses." That name sounds like something a 12 or 13 year-old would say! (well maybe you are one, but if so grow up pint size!). It is clear to me that the only way you can excite your 1/4 inch millimeter peter is to think of a retarded name like that. Clearly you are some underdeveloped immature RETARD who likes to make derogatory comments towards women. I am apalled, and if your little inexperienced 1/4 inch self wants to "get some" I suggest you wait a few years and actually get some marble sized balls! (I know it'll be hard to grow out of your pea-sized ones but hey that's life!). It's ironic that the most inexperienced member on the staff has such a name! Really, you're not fooling anyone buddy. Your comments are offensive to women everywhere you latent petophile.
Oh hey I also like the way our LITTLE friend tries to act hard core. "Yeah you're a dumbfuck" oooo diss! HAHAH yeah right that's a real insult. Best of the Breast wow!! because you can't get any in real life you have to get pornos off the internet! BIG MAN (well as big as a quarter of an inch can get). Mutilation at work where do you work little man? McDonalds what did you burn yourself on the fryer again AWWWW.
Face it you're a loser and have NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN, from a more experienced member in society all I have to say is get a life, grow the fuck up, and learn some manners PIG.
Tomorrow is halloween. I have no idea what I'm doing... most likely I'll be passed out drunk in my Pikachu costume in the middle of the street, while little kids shoot firecrackers at me. Halloween is so damn cool.
Hey, Sir Breatinspector here... I'm working on this piece O' shit page because it's missing TWO very important things (if you're a guy and can't figure it out you're either gay... or a dumbfuck). Anyway i'm going to do my part to add cool shit to this page whenever i can. Look forward to my daily injury report, when i tell the world how i managed to mutilate myself at work... And a weekly feature i plan to call the "Best of the Breast", you'll have to wait and see... If you have any shit you want to send me or tell me i'm a pig... please direct it to Twisted mike until i get an email addy for this shit whole... later
You might have noticed that I haven't updated since Thursday. Or maybe you didn't notice... who the fuck cares?
The reason I didn't update was cause I tried to move this page to be hosted on www.stas.net to be hosted, but I found out that Blogger didn't work with it, so I had to move the site back on here. It took about 20 minutes for this whole incident to happen.
Now, Blogger stops updating my page, giving me an FTP error. What the fuck? So I try to fix it for a little while, no luck. I get pissed off, and leave it. Since it was the weekend, I didn't feel like fixing the damn blogger updater again, it gave me enough grief the first time I set it up, and I didn't want to go through all that shit again. I left it for 3 days, and worked a little on some other parts of my page.
Anyways I finally got it fixed right now. Sorry to my staff, who couldn't post any updates the whole weekend, not like they would actually update or anything..
Tomorrow is friday. Thank god, cause this was a hard week at work. Shit man, shovelling rocks all day... starts to hurt like hell after 3 or 4 days. I'd rather get raped by a piece of reinforcing steel bar than do that shit ever again.
Turns out some guy at my old high school died today. There was supposed to be a fight at the basketball courts and some car sped off and hit him. His name is Ray Wilson. I didn't know the guy but it's still pretty sad.
The Playstation 2 came out in stores today. Sold out everywhere within seconds. It's sad how crazy people will go over a something that is bound to fail in the future. Dreamcast rocks, I can use it to surf the internet and look at porn with it, and even make my own XXX movies to play on it.
Sega should have called their system the "Porncast".
Oh no, someone doesn't like me. She's "American" that pretty much explains her stupidity. I recieved an email from her. Lets see what she wrote to me:
"Why don't you do all Canadians a favor and jump off the nearest tall building? Is it just me? Or was your post one of the dimmest, most incoherent, idiotic post that I've had the misfortune to read?
"Stupid people piss me off." <<< So, you must be one hell of a self-loathing bitch.
"It's not very good when you wrap some hair around your tongue ring and then it gets stuck and stuff..."<<< Well, keep the cock out of your mouth.
Wishing for your slow and painful death,
Scary Old Man"
Thats fucking funny. Someone needs to get a life, well shes not worth anymore typing.
Its really hard having 4 jobs. I barely have any free time.... But seeing since someone wants me off here then I'll be posting things here more often.
FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!!
First of all, I found out my email won't work. It won't recieve anything, and sometimes it doesn't send email to people. This has been goin on for 3 days now. If you want to email me, for now send all your mail to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
@home sucks a broken wooden dildo.
Then, I go to watch Dark Angel, the show with Jessica Alba (yummy), and I find out it is a rerun. A rerun? What the fuck? This show just started playing... there are only 3 episodes out for shit's sake! And to make matters worse, it was LAST WEEK's episode. The one where Jessica Alba looks like a heroin addict and isn't very fun to watch... (except when that cop bends her over and searches her... heh... I'd give both my kidneys to be that cop..).
My middle finger is getting sore from being up all day today. What a shitty day.
I was gonna post this a while back, but forgot about it, so i'll post it now I guess.
Ever watched the movie Shanghai Noon? Of course I rarely watch a PG-rated movie, but this one was tolerable. Now, the highlight of this movie is where Jackie Chan is fighting that evil villain guy, and he's hanging off a board in the church tower. Below him you can CLEARLY SEE THE FUCKING SAFETY NET!!! Fuckin shit, didn't these people see the net while editing the movie? Or maybe they left it in cause it's rated PG and they thought only 6 year olds would watch it and be too stupid to notice it.
Here's an image, click on it for the bigger size. I brightened the picture to make it easier to see:
I'm going to be a good girl and write stuff in here sometimes. I don't want to dissapoint Mike, well not yet. Mike is one sexy bitch!!!!!!!!! He said I could kill him, that makes me feel special, 'cause you only tell people you like that they can kill you. So I need some money so i can fly to BC and kill him. So I'm going to take donations from all you people. Send me all your money, to get my address email me and I'll tell you. But please if you're a scary old man, please don't email me because I won't give you my address, I've already had to many gross experiences with scary old men. I'm not even going to get started on them, I can go on forever. Maybe I won't kill Mike, 'cause then who would update this page and stuff. But you can still send me all your money. I'm sad because my bestest friend in the whole world died on wednesday, I've known her for like 10 or 11 years now. She was my dog, but I still loved her very very much. Now doesn't that sad story want to make you send all your money to me. It's not very good when you wrap some hair around your tongue ring and then it gets stuck and stuff, its actually pretty gross. I don't know what to write on this stupid thing, damn you all. Stupid people piss me off. Is it just me or is Canadians a lot smarter then Americans.........every American I know is really stupid. Just thought I should point that out. I'm going to be a fairy princess for Halloween.
I couldn't update yesterday for a really fucked up reason. My wisdom tooth is coming out, but get this -- it's coming out SIDEWAYS!!! Jeezus what the hell... it hurts like a bitch too. I'd rather be shitting out large jagged pieces of metal.
There is a plus side to this. I can spit blood now. It's awesome.
I'm not obsessed with hairy nipples anymore, I just went through a faze where everyone I came in contact with I had to ask if their nipples were hairy. But not anymore, I might be a little curious, but i just won't ask, theres not really any point, no one is ever honest and will tell me that their nipples are hairy, its like their ashamed of them or something. But if you have hairy nipples feel free to email me and tell me about them. On to the picture, meet Mr. Fetal Piggy, I met him in biology class, I just had to get a picture, he's soooooooo cute. But he became not so cute after we cut him open and played with his insides.
If the picture doesn't work then I just suck. But i assure you thats its cute.
Every E/N site has a webcam portal. That's what this site needs.
So if you have a webcam, (and preferably are a girl who likes to show her tits), then email my ass. Webcam page coming as soon as I actually have people on it.
My site needs a fucking host. I can't run this site from my computer anymore, the massive amounts of traffic soon to come will overheat my computer and burn the house down. Hey there's a way to advertise my site:
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!
By the way, most of you realize that when I write "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!", it means that sometime within the next minute or two, you will be laughing so hard that you'll probably fall into a seizure or something.
In this case, it's the video Wheelchair Rebecca. WATCH THIS VIDEO IT IS THE FUNNIEST THING YOU WILL EVER SEE IN YOUR LIFE. DON'T WATCH THIS VIDEO WHILE YOU ARE EATING, DRINKING, OR NEEDING TO TAKE A PISS/SHIT!!! (Or you will leave a really nice mess).
Dark Angel was pretty ok today... most of it was just Max having seizures and acting like a heroin addict going through withdrawl. Not really attractive now is that? I give tonight's show a 6 out of 10 on the wank-o-meter.
Today at work it pissed rain. So I was working hard in the cold and rain all day. It doesn't bother me anymore, I'm used to it. Besides if I catch pneumonia I'll get to spend a few days in a warm hospital bed. And hot nurses with no tops on giving me spongs baths.
Oh wait, scratch that nurses part. Damn recurring wet dream.
This is what my girlfriend thinks of Jessica Alba:
I dunno why Erin made this, either because she's got too much time on her hands, or doesn't like the way I always post Jessica every tuesday, when Dark Angel plays on TV.
The bottom line: I'd love to watch them 2 in a catfight.
When I finally get my mic working, I discover that it won't fuckin record anything. I have to scream into it to get any kind of recording done. Pretty much all it's good for is to stick up cat's asses and watch them run around with the cord trailing behind them. Weeeeeeeeeeeee...
Have you ever had a Coke after eating chocolate? Holy shit. It's like it goes from being a carbonated beverage to being some type of industrial strength acid. It's fucking gross, and it feels like drinking liquid sandpaper.
But how the fuck does it happen? Is it some sort of chemical reaction or something? Can I make a bomb by mixing Coke and chocolate?
I did not update yesterday because I was busy.
Anyways, right now this site consists of a sick fuck who posts on the main page (me), two other guys who never post on the main page (Eric and Chad), and a few pictures and some original movies.
We need more shit. Have you ever went to take a monster shit and left very little in the toilet bowl... which was pretty unsatisfying? Well this is what this website is like. Well I'm starting to do something about it.
In a few days we will have a new staff member or two. Also, I will add more pics to the images section. And I will get hosted somewhere so I can actually start advertising this site.
As Mike Huppe always used to yell: "UUUUUUNNNNNGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"If your dick grew teeth and started biting the rest of your body would you:"
A): Cut it off
B): Bite it back
C): Stick it in one of the girls' at Caken.com pussy and leave it there until it disintegrates (approx 1.3 seconds).
E): None of the above
F): All of the above including E
Do you get raped by industrial machinery approximately every 2 hours? Do you enjoy having sex with burning newspapers and broken bottles? Do you have intelligent conversations with your anus after enjoying a bowel movement?
Why the hell is bird shit... white? You woulda thought it would be brown or something so you could see it coming down and quickly dodge it, but because it's white it's hard to see and it usually lands all over your face. Which is quite gross, I might add.
Well this is a fine example of evolution... bird have evolved to make their shit harder to see so they can defecate on more people. I wish my shit was neon green. Oh wait, it already is. I guess I shouldn't spend so much time in front of the computer. Nah.
Online radio stations rule. Over at www.live365.com you can find an online radio station playing whatever you would like to hear. From heavy metal to pop to sounds of pigs grunting, they have it all. And boy do the sounds of pigs grunting make me horny.
At work today during coffee I pulled out a banana and just before I was about to peel it, I noticed a cocoon growing on it. EEWWW GOD DAMN SICK SHIT!!!! I scraped the cocoon off but it was empty. It really grossed me out, I lost my appetite. So I just ended up not eating the banana, preferring to stick it up my ass instead.
With Rogers@home, I can't even surf the internet properly anymore. My connection keeps getting raped about 300 times a day. My conversation with some random chick about hairy nipples was cut short when my @home connection died. God damnit, I was in the middle of this very deep conversation and suddenly it's over because the good ole boys at @home were having sex with the server hub a little bit too rough. God damnit, when I'm on the phone, the line doesn't just suddenly go dead! That's cause my phone company has actual human beings working for it, not some chimpanzees who's idea of system maintenace is beating the keyboards with their chimp dicks.
@home. My ass has better bandwidth than their cable lines.
Watched the show "Dark Angel" again. Storyline is kinda stupid now... I just watch it because of Jessica Alba. Fuck by the time the show was over I had to squeegee all the.... uh.... "stuff" off my TV screen! Wow.
You know what I do to shit that pisses me off?
This is what I do.
You see, a long time ago I was listening to one of my favorite tapes on my walkman, and suddenly my walkman decided to chew the tape up. So the tape was totally screwed, and it was stuck in there, and I was pissed off.
So I grabbed a cut power cord, attached it to the battery terminals in the walkman, and plugged it it. Damn, it was a fireworks show, but the damn breaker kept trippin. So I put the walkman in a small puddle of gasoline and then plugged it in. Flloooppppmmppphhh was the noise it made as it burst into flames.
Now I have a nice little souvenir, which smells quite good and tastes like charcoal. Mmmm.
I am playing Super Nintendo games on my Sega Dreamcast! Isn't that just fucked? The great thing is, you burn all the SNES games and the emulator program onto a CD and put the CD in your Dreamcast, and you can play the games!
The best part is, you can download any SNES game from the net for free, and you can fit almost every SNES game ever made onto 1 CD!
Tomorrow is friday. I get paid. Long weekend.
I am going to buy a top-of-the-line DVD player tomorrow, with extra zoom in features and slow motion so I could enjoy porn movies better. Here is a picture of the godlike SANYO 5100 DVD PLAYER, which isn't even out in the US yet!!
Today I was jax0ring to pictures of tree branches (oooh so hot), but I guess I was yanking on my doodle a little too hard and it came off. As soon as it came off it bit me and I dropped it and it started wiggling away. I started chasing it but my penis was too fast for me (I guess all that masterbaitin is like exercise, it made it stronger) and it started getting away, and now we were outside in the neighborhood. To stop my dick from making its escape I picked up a big rock and chucked it towards my fleeing knob. The rock smashed my cock into the ground, stopping it dead in it's tracks. I ran up to it and stomped the hell out of it to make sure it wouldn't go any farther. Then a dog grabbed it and ran off with it. I chased the dog down the street and it went behind the neighbor's house and tried to bury it. I tackled the dog and bit its nuts off and it ran away. The I picked up my penis. It was all busted up and covered in dirt and bleeding and flies were all over it (pretty much the way it always is).
I need a fucking DVD player.
The reason I don't have one yet is cause I was waiting for the Playstation 2 to come out, because it also plays DVDs.
Then I saw this fucker, and thought "Fuck the PS2, this baby looks 10 times better!"
So the only reason to buy PS2 now is so I can maintain my "I HAVE EVERY FUCKING VIDEOGAME SYSTEM IN THE WORLD, THEREFORE I AM A LOSER" status.
Today when I was going to answer the call of nature, my bathroom's lights had burnt out so I had to use the other dreaded one. I looked into the toilet and there was this HUGE fucking turd in there!! I fucking swear, it must have been around 12 inches long and 2 and a half inches wide. I was like "ewww fucking sick" so I tried to flush it. While the toilet was flushing, all the turd did was spin around in there, leaving skid marks on the inside of the bowl. Sick! It looked like it was too big to go down the hole (reminds me of sex for some reason) so I ended up taking the plunger and breaking up that monster turd into smaller pieces. It was a gruesome task, but somebody had to do it (knowing the people I live with, that turd would have been sitting there for another 30 years).
That's the last time I use any other toilet than mine again.
I'm still looking for staff for this page. I have gotten a few applications so far, and all I have to say is that there are some really fucked up people out there!
However, you don't have to be sick or twisted to post on this page. Variety is what makes a webpage appealing to all sorts of people. So if there's anyone normal reading this page right now (i seriously doubt it), don't be afraid to ask for a position on the staff here.
I like to take pictures with my digital camera, and edit them to look like nuclear war wastelands. Don't ask me why... I guess I have a nuclear wasteland fetish. Anyways here is the first wallpaper image that I will release, and it's the actual wallpaper I use for my windows background. It looks REALLY damn cool, and I took it on the way home from work, coming off of the Alex Fraser Bridge, with Burns Bog in the foreground. I edited the colors using Photoshop. Click on the preview image below to view the full wallpaper, and right-click the full wallpaper and select "Set As Wallpaper" Then you'll have a wallpaper as your background that's actually worth looking at.
Only got 1024x768 size wallpaper right now, so if you're using another shitty resolution make sure you edit the image and make is your desktop size.
At work today me and some other guy had to move the Jiffy John. Well when the guy picked it up, it leaned over and almost fell on me. Oh yes, what a nice way to die... have a portable toilet crush you and then you'd drown in fecal matter. Yay.
I like to go to www.bolt.com, go to the "Sexualy Transmitted Diseases" message board, and read all the weird sick problems that people have with their most entertaining body parts. It's quite gross actually, which is why I go there approximately every 2 minutes and 36 seconds.
I was thinking, if there are breast implants to make boobs bigger, then what about penis implants? Why the fuck aren't there any of those around? I'd love to extend my 72 foot shlong by a few hundred feet. Well, I guess the reason that penis implants aren't so popular is because most guys would be afraid to beat the meat (incase the implants break).
Today at work I got electocuted! I was plugging in a pump, and the cord that I was plugging it into was all wet, and the ground line was broken. So as soon as I touched it, this 120v jolt of electricity shot up my arm. It felt really neat though. It's like your arm is vibrating from the inside!!
I'm gonna try that again tomorrow. Yes I am a crazy fucker.
@home sucks dog shit through a straw. Why the fuck am I using this abomination of a service? My connection goes down all the time without warning, at least 10 times a day. And I am paying $40 a month for this fucking bullshit?
Now Rogers decides to cap everyone's upload stream. WHAT THE FUCK!!!? That slows down all my servers to half the speed that they were, including this fucking page!!
If anyone who works at Rogers@home is reading this, I just want to say that you are a kangaroo-banging fuckstick, and you shall be a black mark against humanity until you quit your fucking job there. Especially you retarded service technicians who I know more about @home than you do! Go stick your cable modem up your asses!
Does anybody have any good ideas for a badass domain name for this site? So far I have registered:
www.self-destructive.com (will be up within 72 hours)
www.mind-atrophy.com (will be up within 72 hours)
If you have any good ideas for more domain names for this site, don't hesitate to email me! I am looking forward to some good shit coming my way. Twisted people are the most creative people, after all.
I have registered a new domain name for this site: www.self-destructive.com !! It will be up within the next 72 hours, however, www.twistedmike.com will still be the main domain address to access this site!
For some reason, my wrist isn't as sore as yesterday. I am convinced I have super-healing powers.
My wrist is all fucked up. I can't even bent it. It happened when I was punching my "Punching wall" today. I beat it up whenever i get pissed off, it's great for letting off some steam without resorting to actual violence! Anyways I hit it a little too hard and my wrist got all swollen and hurts like hell. I'm pretty pissed off right now cause I can't jax0r off. Uh huh.
I was in the middle of writing up a huge rant about people acting like retards on the intermet, and then suddenly some gimp on ICQ sent me a link that cause all these Furbys to bounce around on my screen. It ended up crashing my computer and I lost everything I had typed up. Next time I see a Furby I will stick it up my ass, shit it out, and repeat the process several times.
Also, I have the Phantasy Star Collection soundtrack. This is from a very popular videogame series for Sega. I suggest ANYONE download this because it just sounds really fuckin good. Better than any Final Fantasy bullshit.
There are several things that I'm pissed off about today first of all I can't stand how pointless my monotonous life is right now, but that's just me. Secondly Canada has won only three medals at the olympics in Sidney! WTF? We're tied with Chinese Taipei!! yay!!!!!!!!!
That's bullshit, we should be winning more medals than Chinese fucking Taipei.
Thirdly there is a certain someone named hmmmm we'll just call him Eric V., uh no that's to obvious we'll call him E. Van Egdom.
This particular individual is going out with his girlfriend not because he likes her but because of the idea that he has someone! Hey just like PRESTON eh Eri...I mean.....E. Van Egdom?
There is a dead rat at work and I accidentally keep stepping on it. Well, ok maybe after I step on it I turn around and step on it again for fun, but it's really addictive and I can't stop doing it. Somebody help me.
Don't you fucking hate when weird-ass shit happens at work?
I was walking down onto the mud pit to drain some water out of there, and suddenly I sank knee-deep into the mud. I was thinkin 'What the hell. Man" but then I saw a hot college chick walkin down the street. After staring at her for 3 minutes I brought my attention to the situation I was in. I was totally stuck and every time I tried to raise one leg, the other sank even deeper. Jesus lizard.
So now I am waist-deep in this shit and I can't move. Then I discovered that I urgently needed to take a piss. I started to panic. After trying to move for a few minutes, I leaned back and moved my feet in a cycling motion and I got out of that mud. My pants were so fucking muddy that people would have thought that I never take my pants off when I take a shit. Anyways I borrowed someone else's pants (which kept on falling off, exposing my 72 foot penis) and I proceded to enjoy my shitty work day.
Mission to Mars is one of the shittiest movies I have ever seen. What a piece of shit. The movie moves so fucking slowly that you're ALWAYS waiting for something interesting to happen, but nothing ever does.
The special effects are great and everything looks awesome up until you see that weird alien thing. Now that is the most poorly animated 3D character that has ever been pumped out of a computer. I see aliens in old Atari games that look better than this. It just fucked up the whole movie. I was so pissed off that I took the tape out of the VCR and defecated on it. Now it's a REALLY shitty movie.
It seems that the guestbook works again. Oh well, not like any of you fuckers are gonna sign it anyways!
It is official. My radio station is dead. It's sorta like country music... if no one ever listens to it, so what the fuck is the point of having it? If you want to download some of the songs I had on my radio station, click here.
Go to the Eargasm page if you want to download some great songs.
I'm also going to start a ROMS section soon. For those ROM addicts who need their fix right now, get all my roms here! Finally, a ROM site without broken links. I'm so cool I scare the fuck out of myself sometimes.
I need some more fucking staff! And not slackers like Eric or M.C, Rae!!! lol
If you are creative, original, psychotic, strange, retarded, or all of the above, then apply here.
(Only people I know in real life will be allowed to join the staff)
Excuse me while I try spray my dog with the water hose so he stops chewing on my 72 foot meatsaber.
I am unable to view my guestbook...... what ze fuck? I'm tired of shit like this happening. Why are all the free services on the net screwing me over? Maybe it's the fact that 90% of the people on the net are sick individuals who stalk little kids and look at donkey porn. And here I am expecting a guestbook from an internet company to work.
You know what fucks me up? People whose voices sound fucking different on the phone than in real life. What the fuck is with that. One of my best friends calls me and I don't know who the fuck he is because he sounds like Urkel? Or even when a chick calls and she sounds like an old man? Well, it could be my phone... you know... all that 1-900 phone sex made it all sticky so it could be shorting out.
13 chicks are trying to rape me on ICQ right now. The sad thing is, they all live far away, like Australia, and if they ever saw my ugly ass in real life, they'd rather have sex with a rusty door handle. Sad.
I would like to tell you all who visit my site (all 4 of you), that on weekends I will rarely update. I dunno if I have ever mentioned this before, but I might as well say it again so ALL of you know. Don't expect many updates on Saturday or Sunday... and also expect them to be pretty short.
Remember, I have a life on weekends. Instead of wacking it in front of the computer all day, I go out and .... fuck sheep.
Ever since this site has been reviewed on Stultus.com, instead of gettin 2 hits a day, it's now getting..... (gasp!).. 4 hits a day!! Wow, I'd like to thank Stultus and Geistmag for doubling my site's hits. Thanks!
Sorry for not being able to update the page yesterday, I have been too busy polishing my cock. It's so shiny now I can see my reflection in it. Actually I just got home. Now I'm going to bed... counting how many sheep i'm going to fuck tomorrow.
I fucking hate people who never flush the toilet. I go into a bathroom to do my business and inside the toilet I see I little surprise already in there. Fuckin shit. I always with I could grab that supertard by the face after he took that shit, and stick his head in the toilet and not pull it out until he ate all his recently-evacuated feces in there.
Another thing that pisses me off is gimps who leave the toilet seat down and then piss all over it. It's like they were having a seizure or something while urinating, causing them to drench the entire seat in fucking piss. Now if I need to use that damn toilet, I have no choice but to squat over it, take a shit, and hope no toilet water splashes all over my fucken buttcheeks. Damn if I ever find anyone who marks the toilet seat as his territory, I will tie him down and piss all over his face. Damn pisser.
Well, I finally got the Hanson CD's from Tonia, and I can't wait to destroy them in the most visually appealing way possible. But first, I must get a fucking camcorder THAT WORKS. I am thinking of either microwaving them, or lighting them on fire while hanging them off my bedroom ceiling over a bucket. Microwaving them would defnitely be cool, but the wire mesh on the door might block the view a bit.
Anyways, I will chew on these CD's until the execution date arrives:
Here is a picture of a regular CD after it is microwaved for 5 seconds. Note that I will microwave the Hanson CD until it bursts into flame. And I will videotape the whole thing and put it up on this page for all you anti-hanson people to masterbate to.
Here's something fun to try out. Take a magnet, and put it to your TV. The screen will distort and change color and look trippy as if you had smoked a pound of pencil crayon shavings.
Take the magnet away and you will find that the picture on the screen stays all messed up like that. Now, everything you see on TV, it will look like you are looking through the eyes of a stoner. If you already are a hardcore stoner, everything on the screen will look "non-trippy" to you, which will bring back fond memories of the days back when you weren't stoned.
Jesus, I just threw up a storm. Among the things I found in my vomit were clothespins, pieces of a Moffats CD, rat fur, a wad of gum the size of my head, and many different colored crayons. The weird thing is, I don't remember eating half that shit.
Well I'm glad I threw all that stuff up, cause it would feel a lot worse shitting it out.
WOW SHIT!!! A small mosquito landed on my screen, and I turned my monitor off and the mosquito "popped" and fell off the screen! I guess the static from the screen zapped its pointy ass!
I'm out for today. May the porn be with you.
I now have a fucking cold (thanks Jessi) and I think I am addicted to Neo Citran. I absolutely dread going to work tomorrow, it will be hell.
M.C. Rae has now dominated his updater. As you can see in his previous post, he is now able to speak his mind to the world. Let us all pray that his posts will actually do good for humankind, unlike mine.
Ok today I'm fucking pissed off at Rehan, he was supposed to get on the 145 New West Station bus at 3:42 at the SFU transportation center. But NOOOOO he was too busy making passes at all the chicks. And to think I get to the bus stop early to go to SFU in the morning by the time Rehan arrives there's like a HUGE line up and I'm at the front. I let him but in EVERY morning but he doesn't have the courtesty to meet me on the fucking way home, what I'm not GOOOD enough to sit with on the fucking bus!!!!
Good news, Tonia has sent all her crappy CD's to me!! Watch for a video of me pissing on, jizzing on, then microwaving Hanson's CD real soon. Also, Eric has fixed his "ICQ STATUS" bar! Now we all know when he's online and when he isn't!!! How useful!
Now that I have gotten the attention of many people, I will post the FUNNYASS "About Me" essay that I wrote a while ago. MOST of this stuff isn't true, but it will really make you wonder how messed up I am. WARNING this is pretty fucked up, even for me:
My name is MiKE and I am probably one of the most fucked up people you'll ever see.
First of all, in my spare time I like to burn stuff, screw with people, and fuck a hole in my wall. Oh yes that reminds me, I have to drain the semen out of my wall before the neighbors complain... you see I often sell my sperm to sperm banks. Most of the time they won't accept it because there is weird shit in it like sawdust, nails, and the occasional spider or two. You know, I think I might be the father all those deformed babies on rotten.com...
I have a cat, and she's not the luckiest cat in the world. Her name is "Piece of shit" because that's what I always call her when I wake up and find her chewing on my ass. I like to cut myself and bleed all over my cat, and I get a certain satisfaction from watching her try to lick it off. I once swallowed a bottle cap. Shitting that thing out was a very deep and meaningful experience.
I have a 72 foot long penis. You may think that I am very lucky, but nothing is farther from the truth. I have to wack off with a sledgehammer. My penis is all black and burnt, not only from fucking my monitor whenever I see a picture of Lauren (www.antihope.net), but also from the friction that's caused by it dragging on the ground whenever I am running from grandma when she's feeling a little frisky.
I spend so much time on the internet it's fucking amazing. Everyone thinks that I have an internet explorer window tattoed on my face, but that's not the case. It's from the radiation from my monitor burning it into my face.
While violating my car's tailpipe, someone thought it was a good practical joke to start my car while my giant penis was crammed into the fucking tailpipe. For a second, having hot exaust pumped up my dick was very exciting, my balls then exploded. And my cat ate what was left. Fucking cat.
Today I woke up with a scab on my face. I picked it off and it started bleeding again. After it stopped, I picked it off again. After a few hours, I had quite the collection of scabs on my desk. I mean, there were A LOT of scabs and I wondered how much blood I lost. I was probably gonna die or something from loss of blood. I ended up eating all the scabs. I did mother nature a favor by recycling my own scabs. Tomorrow I am going to see if I can live off of shit. If it works, I can make millions.
Finally! It turns out that this site was the "Geistmag.com's Review of the Week"!!! Basically that means that this site sucks so bad that someone spent over 3 minutes bitching about how bad it was!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
Their review made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on the Rhino semen I was drinking! While anyone else would go in a corner and masterbate angrily if someone had posted such a bad review of his site, I found this review very awe-inspiring! I will post it on here, so you can all read it:
Stultus and I were chatting in AOL�s monkey sex room last week and he mentioned that his eyes were bleeding. After suggesting a little home remedy my mom used to use on me to fix that sort of thing, I offered to take some of the soul-wrenching load from him and review some of the biggest shit holes on the Internet. If you are reading a review of your site on here make sure you have the Kleenex handy. On a related note, GeistMag.com will be offering Zack effigy�s starting October 1st that you can purchase and then burn, fold, spindle or mutilate to your heart�s content.
First impressions mean everything with a web site, and no site has ever impressed me more with that first look than www.twistedmike.com. From the awesome �Cannot Find Server� statement in the title location, to the message �Note: Sometimes this page is offline because I am burning a CD. If there FLASH4 animation above is missing or if you click on the animation to enter and you get a broken link, try again in exactly 1 hour.� I knew I was in for a quality review.
After clicking past the extremely high quality flash animation that featured the words �Twisted Mike� moving very slightly, I entered the meat of the site. I immediately saw that �MiKE� was logged onto ICQ, but his mysterious compatriots MC Rae and Eric Van Egdom had disabled their ICQ status posting. Luckily MiKE included that information on his site or I might have spent hours trying to get in touch with them.
I spent the first few minutes of my visit to MiKE�s site by basking in the glory of his �bright purple tables over nuclear explosion photo� hot, hot, hot layout. After the initial wonderment wore off I decided to check out his content and I lucked out because Mike posts every single Jesus-loving day! This unique and well-crafted daily comment format had me floored with such startling peeks into MiKE�s life as �Damn ICQ keeps crashing... fuck� and don�t forget �I was about to post something FUCKING HILARIOUS on here but I'll wait until later today when Stultus.com reviews my site�. Good thing he did wait! If he had wasted that ICQ quote on one of his earlier posts it might not have been the first awesome thing I saw!
On the technical side of the review, the site does navigate, I clicked several different links and they took me to different sections. I was impressed. I learned that MiKE had access to the �Ultimate Joke Archive� and nearly had to dial 911 because the laughter was FUCKING KILLING ME! According to his �MiKE Who?� section, MiKE is 17 and lives in Canada. He did not give the intrigued reader much more info, stating that he was �busy� and had �more important shit to do!�.
When I clicked on his link to �Copside 2� I discovered what the �important shit� he had to do was. MiKE and his teenage buddies had been busily writing, directing and producing a 45-minute long video. Wisely choosing to film without the added baggage of microphones, MiKE dazzles us by taking every cop TV/movie clich� and turning them on their ear! Innovator! I have not seen a police comedy this good since Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach or possibly Cop Rock.
Bottom Line: MiKE is spending time honing his web design skills when he should be out smoking weed, drinking or possibly committing suicide.
Advice: If you are going to host your site yourself, do not install a FUCKING CD BURNER in it! JESUS CHRIST ASSHOLE!
Rating: -6 out of �10 (you were right MiKE)
IS THIS NOT A FUCKING MASTERPIECE OF A REVIEW?!?! ROFL!!!!
Interested in the adventures of Scrotum the Dog? What about Boris the bondage monkey?
I have found this fuckin funny new site: www.slitfinger.com This site uses flash animation for its movies, and the blood is amazingly well animated.
ACHTUNG ACHTUNG!!! Boring-ass post!!! (For those of you who aren't interested in videogame shit!)
For the past while I have been working on a video game. It's a role-playing game where you have been thrown in this fucked up world and you have to find a way to get back. All the planning for this game is finished, and the actual building of the game has just begun. Here is a very VERY early screenshot:
By the time the game is finished, the graphics will be a lot better. Here are some features for the game:
- There is plenty of drugs, booze, and chicks in this game.
- Entertaining storyline.
- Meet fucked up people who will join you on your quest.
- Lots of blood.
- Huge game.
Might as well bitch about that stupid movie called "Way of The Gun" too. When we went to see it we were expecting the entire movie to be an action-packed adrenaline overdose. What it turned out to be was a cure for isomnia.
Let's start with the beginning. The 2 main characters get the shit kicked out of them. I think to myself: "This is gonna be a good movie". Next was the main guy narrating about his fucked up life. Okay, so I think: "What we have here is a possible Fight Club ripoff, but since Fight Club is one of my favorite movies, I think I am about to shit myself in joy". After that, is the sperm bank scene. I think: "WOW, you can get $3000 for your sperm? I think I my career path has now taken quite a turn! Getting paid to wack off into a jar is quite an appealing job/"
So pretty much the first 15 minutes are good. Then after the kidnapping scene does the movie start to suck its own balls. For the next hour, the movie consists of boring people talking about boring things, people standing around, people playing cards, and people talking about how their lives suck. Fucking hell we were all pissed off at this bullshit. We were about to leave when Eric says, "But there's one hell of a shootout at the very end.". So we stayed.
The shootout. I must say that this is the gayest shootout I have ever seen. Fuck, the shootouts in Copside 2, our home video we made with toy guns, are better than this!! (I'm fuckin serious!).
I shit you not, the highlight of this movie was when some guy's cell phone in the seat in front of us rang for the 5th time. Erin starts bitching at him, and some guy in the back row yells: "TURN OFF YOUR FUCKIN CELL PHONE YOU MORON!!!" and I almost got up and defecated in the middle of the theater. I didn't really care that the guy's cell phone was ringing, I was hoping it would ring some more, so a fight would break out in the theater and we'd have something actually entertaining to watch.
In conclusion, this movie was a waste of time, money, and an insult to all action movies. If I ever see the director of this movie, I will flip him the bird before throwing a molotov cocktail at him. Sheesh.