Saturday, September 30, 2000

I'm still looking for staff for this page. I have gotten a few applications so far, and all I have to say is that there are some really fucked up people out there!

However, you don't have to be sick or twisted to post on this page. Variety is what makes a webpage appealing to all sorts of people. So if there's anyone normal reading this page right now (i seriously doubt it), don't be afraid to ask for a position on the staff here.
I like to take pictures with my digital camera, and edit them to look like nuclear war wastelands. Don't ask me why... I guess I have a nuclear wasteland fetish. Anyways here is the first wallpaper image that I will release, and it's the actual wallpaper I use for my windows background. It looks REALLY damn cool, and I took it on the way home from work, coming off of the Alex Fraser Bridge, with Burns Bog in the foreground. I edited the colors using Photoshop. Click on the preview image below to view the full wallpaper, and right-click the full wallpaper and select "Set As Wallpaper" Then you'll have a wallpaper as your background that's actually worth looking at.
Only got 1024x768 size wallpaper right now, so if you're using another shitty resolution make sure you edit the image and make is your desktop size.

Friday, September 29, 2000

Wow, I'm listening to this new band. Templar.
Holy shit they kick ass. I shit my pants 3 times in a row.
My quote of the day:

"I like to maaa-a--aa-a--aa--aa--a-a-a-a-aa-aaaa-OHYEAH--aa-asterbate."

Thursday, September 28, 2000

This is me as a kid:
At work today me and some other guy had to move the Jiffy John. Well when the guy picked it up, it leaned over and almost fell on me. Oh yes, what a nice way to die... have a portable toilet crush you and then you'd drown in fecal matter. Yay.
King Missile rules. Their song, "Detachable Penis", is very inspiring.
Damn I'm tired. I need to go snort some pencil shavings.

Wednesday, September 27, 2000

I like to go to www.bolt.com, go to the "Sexualy Transmitted Diseases" message board, and read all the weird sick problems that people have with their most entertaining body parts. It's quite gross actually, which is why I go there approximately every 2 minutes and 36 seconds.
I was thinking, if there are breast implants to make boobs bigger, then what about penis implants? Why the fuck aren't there any of those around? I'd love to extend my 72 foot shlong by a few hundred feet. Well, I guess the reason that penis implants aren't so popular is because most guys would be afraid to beat the meat (incase the implants break).
Today at work I got electocuted! I was plugging in a pump, and the cord that I was plugging it into was all wet, and the ground line was broken. So as soon as I touched it, this 120v jolt of electricity shot up my arm. It felt really neat though. It's like your arm is vibrating from the inside!!

I'm gonna try that again tomorrow. Yes I am a crazy fucker.

Tuesday, September 26, 2000

@home sucks dog shit through a straw. Why the fuck am I using this abomination of a service? My connection goes down all the time without warning, at least 10 times a day. And I am paying $40 a month for this fucking bullshit?

Now Rogers decides to cap everyone's upload stream. WHAT THE FUCK!!!? That slows down all my servers to half the speed that they were, including this fucking page!!

If anyone who works at Rogers@home is reading this, I just want to say that you are a kangaroo-banging fuckstick, and you shall be a black mark against humanity until you quit your fucking job there. Especially you retarded service technicians who I know more about @home than you do! Go stick your cable modem up your asses!

DSL, here I come.
My quote of the day:

"Why the hell is there Viagra when everyone has a freezer they can stick their dick into to get hard?"
C:\DOS
C:\DOS Run
Run DOS Run

(how sad...)

Monday, September 25, 2000

There is a cat in my house and it's attacking my 72 foot long penis. Shoo cat shoo. Fucking cat.
Does anybody have any good ideas for a badass domain name for this site? So far I have registered:

www.twistedmike.com (works)
www.self-destructive.com (will be up within 72 hours)
www.mind-atrophy.com (will be up within 72 hours)

If you have any good ideas for more domain names for this site, don't hesitate to email me! I am looking forward to some good shit coming my way. Twisted people are the most creative people, after all.
I have registered a new domain name for this site: www.self-destructive.com !! It will be up within the next 72 hours, however, www.twistedmike.com will still be the main domain address to access this site!

For some reason, my wrist isn't as sore as yesterday. I am convinced I have super-healing powers.

Sunday, September 24, 2000

The movie "What Planet Are You From?" is actually pretty funny, that I watched the whole thing. I wish my penis vibrated and made a humming noise by itself.

"No hands baby! Yeah!"
My wrist is all fucked up. I can't even bent it. It happened when I was punching my "Punching wall" today. I beat it up whenever i get pissed off, it's great for letting off some steam without resorting to actual violence! Anyways I hit it a little too hard and my wrist got all swollen and hurts like hell. I'm pretty pissed off right now cause I can't jax0r off. Uh huh.
I dunno what to say, I just feel like stabbing someone in the face repeatedly with a sharpened toothbrush.
I was in the middle of writing up a huge rant about people acting like retards on the intermet, and then suddenly some gimp on ICQ sent me a link that cause all these Furbys to bounce around on my screen. It ended up crashing my computer and I lost everything I had typed up. Next time I see a Furby I will stick it up my ass, shit it out, and repeat the process several times.

By the way, here is the link.

Also, I have the Phantasy Star Collection soundtrack. This is from a very popular videogame series for Sega. I suggest ANYONE download this because it just sounds really fuckin good. Better than any Final Fantasy bullshit.

Download the soundtrack here.

Friday, September 22, 2000

Hentai is cool.

I'm off to beat the fuck out of a tree, cause its roots tripped me. Wish me luck.

Thursday, September 21, 2000

Ok M.C. Rae here,

There are several things that I'm pissed off about today first of all I can't stand how pointless my monotonous life is right now, but that's just me. Secondly Canada has won only three medals at the olympics in Sidney! WTF? We're tied with Chinese Taipei!! yay!!!!!!!!!

That's bullshit, we should be winning more medals than Chinese fucking Taipei.

Thirdly there is a certain someone named hmmmm we'll just call him Eric V., uh no that's to obvious we'll call him E. Van Egdom.

This particular individual is going out with his girlfriend not because he likes her but because of the idea that he has someone! Hey just like PRESTON eh Eri...I mean.....E. Van Egdom?
There is a dead rat at work and I accidentally keep stepping on it. Well, ok maybe after I step on it I turn around and step on it again for fun, but it's really addictive and I can't stop doing it. Somebody help me.
Don't you fucking hate when weird-ass shit happens at work?
I was walking down onto the mud pit to drain some water out of there, and suddenly I sank knee-deep into the mud. I was thinkin 'What the hell. Man" but then I saw a hot college chick walkin down the street. After staring at her for 3 minutes I brought my attention to the situation I was in. I was totally stuck and every time I tried to raise one leg, the other sank even deeper. Jesus lizard.

So now I am waist-deep in this shit and I can't move. Then I discovered that I urgently needed to take a piss. I started to panic. After trying to move for a few minutes, I leaned back and moved my feet in a cycling motion and I got out of that mud. My pants were so fucking muddy that people would have thought that I never take my pants off when I take a shit. Anyways I borrowed someone else's pants (which kept on falling off, exposing my 72 foot penis) and I proceded to enjoy my shitty work day.

Wednesday, September 20, 2000

Mission to Mars is one of the shittiest movies I have ever seen. What a piece of shit. The movie moves so fucking slowly that you're ALWAYS waiting for something interesting to happen, but nothing ever does.

The special effects are great and everything looks awesome up until you see that weird alien thing. Now that is the most poorly animated 3D character that has ever been pumped out of a computer. I see aliens in old Atari games that look better than this. It just fucked up the whole movie. I was so pissed off that I took the tape out of the VCR and defecated on it. Now it's a REALLY shitty movie.
Nursery rhymes are fun. These are the kinds of nursery rhymes I was told when I was little:

Mary had a little sheep
And with this sheep she went to sleep
But the sheep turned out to me a ram
And Mary had a little lamb!
It seems that the guestbook works again. Oh well, not like any of you fuckers are gonna sign it anyways!

It is official. My radio station is dead. It's sorta like country music... if no one ever listens to it, so what the fuck is the point of having it? If you want to download some of the songs I had on my radio station, click here.

"SUBMIT TO MY ASS!!!"

Tuesday, September 19, 2000

Go to the Eargasm page if you want to download some great songs.
I'm also going to start a ROMS section soon. For those ROM addicts who need their fix right now, get all my roms here! Finally, a ROM site without broken links. I'm so cool I scare the fuck out of myself sometimes.
I need some more fucking staff! And not slackers like Eric or M.C, Rae!!! lol
If you are creative, original, psychotic, strange, retarded, or all of the above, then apply here.
(Only people I know in real life will be allowed to join the staff)

Excuse me while I try spray my dog with the water hose so he stops chewing on my 72 foot meatsaber.
I am unable to view my guestbook...... what ze fuck? I'm tired of shit like this happening. Why are all the free services on the net screwing me over? Maybe it's the fact that 90% of the people on the net are sick individuals who stalk little kids and look at donkey porn. And here I am expecting a guestbook from an internet company to work.

My cat's ass smells like catfood.

Monday, September 18, 2000

You know what fucks me up? People whose voices sound fucking different on the phone than in real life. What the fuck is with that. One of my best friends calls me and I don't know who the fuck he is because he sounds like Urkel? Or even when a chick calls and she sounds like an old man? Well, it could be my phone... you know... all that 1-900 phone sex made it all sticky so it could be shorting out.

13 chicks are trying to rape me on ICQ right now. The sad thing is, they all live far away, like Australia, and if they ever saw my ugly ass in real life, they'd rather have sex with a rusty door handle. Sad.
My girlfriend is very violent. I am still looking for my penis.

Sunday, September 17, 2000

I would like to tell you all who visit my site (all 4 of you), that on weekends I will rarely update. I dunno if I have ever mentioned this before, but I might as well say it again so ALL of you know. Don't expect many updates on Saturday or Sunday... and also expect them to be pretty short.

Remember, I have a life on weekends. Instead of wacking it in front of the computer all day, I go out and .... fuck sheep.
Ok.
After unsuccessfully trying to set up my webcam, I gave up and buttfucked my computer in frustration. Then I drank kerosene.
Fuck my dog, I'm still trying to get my webcam set up. Shitster.

Saturday, September 16, 2000

Tonight is a night that will be marked in history forever. Tonight is the official birth of COPSIDE 3.
Ever since this site has been reviewed on Stultus.com, instead of gettin 2 hits a day, it's now getting..... (gasp!).. 4 hits a day!! Wow, I'd like to thank Stultus and Geistmag for doubling my site's hits. Thanks!
Sorry for not being able to update the page yesterday, I have been too busy polishing my cock. It's so shiny now I can see my reflection in it. Actually I just got home. Now I'm going to bed... counting how many sheep i'm going to fuck tomorrow.

Thursday, September 14, 2000

To this very day, I still have nightmares about that rotating 2 foot long turd I saw inside the Jiffy John. Damn it.
I fucking hate people who never flush the toilet. I go into a bathroom to do my business and inside the toilet I see I little surprise already in there. Fuckin shit. I always with I could grab that supertard by the face after he took that shit, and stick his head in the toilet and not pull it out until he ate all his recently-evacuated feces in there.

Another thing that pisses me off is gimps who leave the toilet seat down and then piss all over it. It's like they were having a seizure or something while urinating, causing them to drench the entire seat in fucking piss. Now if I need to use that damn toilet, I have no choice but to squat over it, take a shit, and hope no toilet water splashes all over my fucken buttcheeks. Damn if I ever find anyone who marks the toilet seat as his territory, I will tie him down and piss all over his face. Damn pisser.
Well, I finally got the Hanson CD's from Tonia, and I can't wait to destroy them in the most visually appealing way possible. But first, I must get a fucking camcorder THAT WORKS. I am thinking of either microwaving them, or lighting them on fire while hanging them off my bedroom ceiling over a bucket. Microwaving them would defnitely be cool, but the wire mesh on the door might block the view a bit.

Anyways, I will chew on these CD's until the execution date arrives:




Here is a picture of a regular CD after it is microwaved for 5 seconds. Note that I will microwave the Hanson CD until it bursts into flame. And I will videotape the whole thing and put it up on this page for all you anti-hanson people to masterbate to.

Wednesday, September 13, 2000

Here's something fun to try out. Take a magnet, and put it to your TV. The screen will distort and change color and look trippy as if you had smoked a pound of pencil crayon shavings.

Take the magnet away and you will find that the picture on the screen stays all messed up like that. Now, everything you see on TV, it will look like you are looking through the eyes of a stoner. If you already are a hardcore stoner, everything on the screen will look "non-trippy" to you, which will bring back fond memories of the days back when you weren't stoned.

By the way, your TV is now permanently fucked up.
I have noticed that my floppy disk drive has stopped working. What the fuck. I guess I shouldn't have jammed my disk in it so hard every day.

I am still feeling very sick, and every time I cough, dead ants fly out of my mouth. I think I should go see a doctor...

Tuesday, September 12, 2000

Jesus, I just threw up a storm. Among the things I found in my vomit were clothespins, pieces of a Moffats CD, rat fur, a wad of gum the size of my head, and many different colored crayons. The weird thing is, I don't remember eating half that shit.

Well I'm glad I threw all that stuff up, cause it would feel a lot worse shitting it out.
WOW SHIT!!! A small mosquito landed on my screen, and I turned my monitor off and the mosquito "popped" and fell off the screen! I guess the static from the screen zapped its pointy ass!
I'm out for today. May the porn be with you.
I now have a fucking cold (thanks Jessi) and I think I am addicted to Neo Citran. I absolutely dread going to work tomorrow, it will be hell.

M.C. Rae has now dominated his updater. As you can see in his previous post, he is now able to speak his mind to the world. Let us all pray that his posts will actually do good for humankind, unlike mine.


M.C. Rae's rant of the day

Ok today I'm fucking pissed off at Rehan, he was supposed to get on the 145 New West Station bus at 3:42 at the SFU transportation center. But NOOOOO he was too busy making passes at all the chicks. And to think I get to the bus stop early to go to SFU in the morning by the time Rehan arrives there's like a HUGE line up and I'm at the front. I let him but in EVERY morning but he doesn't have the courtesty to meet me on the fucking way home, what I'm not GOOOD enough to sit with on the fucking bus!!!!
Good news, Tonia has sent all her crappy CD's to me!! Watch for a video of me pissing on, jizzing on, then microwaving Hanson's CD real soon. Also, Eric has fixed his "ICQ STATUS" bar! Now we all know when he's online and when he isn't!!! How useful!
Now that I have gotten the attention of many people, I will post the FUNNYASS "About Me" essay that I wrote a while ago. MOST of this stuff isn't true, but it will really make you wonder how messed up I am. WARNING this is pretty fucked up, even for me:

-------------------------------------
My name is MiKE and I am probably one of the most fucked up people you'll ever see.
First of all, in my spare time I like to burn stuff, screw with people, and fuck a hole in my wall. Oh yes that reminds me, I have to drain the semen out of my wall before the neighbors complain... you see I often sell my sperm to sperm banks. Most of the time they won't accept it because there is weird shit in it like sawdust, nails, and the occasional spider or two. You know, I think I might be the father all those deformed babies on rotten.com...
I have a cat, and she's not the luckiest cat in the world. Her name is "Piece of shit" because that's what I always call her when I wake up and find her chewing on my ass. I like to cut myself and bleed all over my cat, and I get a certain satisfaction from watching her try to lick it off. I once swallowed a bottle cap. Shitting that thing out was a very deep and meaningful experience.
I have a 72 foot long penis. You may think that I am very lucky, but nothing is farther from the truth. I have to wack off with a sledgehammer. My penis is all black and burnt, not only from fucking my monitor whenever I see a picture of Lauren (www.antihope.net), but also from the friction that's caused by it dragging on the ground whenever I am running from grandma when she's feeling a little frisky.
I spend so much time on the internet it's fucking amazing. Everyone thinks that I have an internet explorer window tattoed on my face, but that's not the case. It's from the radiation from my monitor burning it into my face.
While violating my car's tailpipe, someone thought it was a good practical joke to start my car while my giant penis was crammed into the fucking tailpipe. For a second, having hot exaust pumped up my dick was very exciting, my balls then exploded. And my cat ate what was left. Fucking cat.
Today I woke up with a scab on my face. I picked it off and it started bleeding again. After it stopped, I picked it off again. After a few hours, I had quite the collection of scabs on my desk. I mean, there were A LOT of scabs and I wondered how much blood I lost. I was probably gonna die or something from loss of blood. I ended up eating all the scabs. I did mother nature a favor by recycling my own scabs. Tomorrow I am going to see if I can live off of shit. If it works, I can make millions.
-------------------------------------
TWISTEDMIKE.COM IS THE SITE OF THE WEEK!!!

Finally! It turns out that this site was the "Geistmag.com's Review of the Week"!!! Basically that means that this site sucks so bad that someone spent over 3 minutes bitching about how bad it was!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

Their review made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on the Rhino semen I was drinking! While anyone else would go in a corner and masterbate angrily if someone had posted such a bad review of his site, I found this review very awe-inspiring! I will post it on here, so you can all read it:

-------------------------------------
Stultus and I were chatting in AOL�s monkey sex room last week and he mentioned that his eyes were bleeding. After suggesting a little home remedy my mom used to use on me to fix that sort of thing, I offered to take some of the soul-wrenching load from him and review some of the biggest shit holes on the Internet. If you are reading a review of your site on here make sure you have the Kleenex handy. On a related note, GeistMag.com will be offering Zack effigy�s starting October 1st that you can purchase and then burn, fold, spindle or mutilate to your heart�s content.

First impressions mean everything with a web site, and no site has ever impressed me more with that first look than www.twistedmike.com. From the awesome �Cannot Find Server� statement in the title location, to the message �Note: Sometimes this page is offline because I am burning a CD. If there FLASH4 animation above is missing or if you click on the animation to enter and you get a broken link, try again in exactly 1 hour.� I knew I was in for a quality review.

After clicking past the extremely high quality flash animation that featured the words �Twisted Mike� moving very slightly, I entered the meat of the site. I immediately saw that �MiKE� was logged onto ICQ, but his mysterious compatriots MC Rae and Eric Van Egdom had disabled their ICQ status posting. Luckily MiKE included that information on his site or I might have spent hours trying to get in touch with them.

I spent the first few minutes of my visit to MiKE�s site by basking in the glory of his �bright purple tables over nuclear explosion photo� hot, hot, hot layout. After the initial wonderment wore off I decided to check out his content and I lucked out because Mike posts every single Jesus-loving day! This unique and well-crafted daily comment format had me floored with such startling peeks into MiKE�s life as �Damn ICQ keeps crashing... fuck� and don�t forget �I was about to post something FUCKING HILARIOUS on here but I'll wait until later today when Stultus.com reviews my site�. Good thing he did wait! If he had wasted that ICQ quote on one of his earlier posts it might not have been the first awesome thing I saw!

On the technical side of the review, the site does navigate, I clicked several different links and they took me to different sections. I was impressed. I learned that MiKE had access to the �Ultimate Joke Archive� and nearly had to dial 911 because the laughter was FUCKING KILLING ME! According to his �MiKE Who?� section, MiKE is 17 and lives in Canada. He did not give the intrigued reader much more info, stating that he was �busy� and had �more important shit to do!�.

When I clicked on his link to �Copside 2� I discovered what the �important shit� he had to do was. MiKE and his teenage buddies had been busily writing, directing and producing a 45-minute long video. Wisely choosing to film without the added baggage of microphones, MiKE dazzles us by taking every cop TV/movie clich� and turning them on their ear! Innovator! I have not seen a police comedy this good since Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach or possibly Cop Rock.

Bottom Line: MiKE is spending time honing his web design skills when he should be out smoking weed, drinking or possibly committing suicide.

Advice: If you are going to host your site yourself, do not install a FUCKING CD BURNER in it! JESUS CHRIST ASSHOLE!

Rating: -6 out of �10 (you were right MiKE)
-------------------------------------

IS THIS NOT A FUCKING MASTERPIECE OF A REVIEW?!?! ROFL!!!!
Damn ICQ keeps crashing... fuck.

Monday, September 11, 2000

Interested in the adventures of Scrotum the Dog? What about Boris the bondage monkey?
I have found this fuckin funny new site: www.slitfinger.com
This site uses flash animation for its movies, and the blood is amazingly well animated.
ACHTUNG ACHTUNG!!! Boring-ass post!!! (For those of you who aren't interested in videogame shit!)

For the past while I have been working on a video game. It's a role-playing game where you have been thrown in this fucked up world and you have to find a way to get back. All the planning for this game is finished, and the actual building of the game has just begun. Here is a very VERY early screenshot:



By the time the game is finished, the graphics will be a lot better. Here are some features for the game:

- There is plenty of drugs, booze, and chicks in this game.
- Entertaining storyline.
- Meet fucked up people who will join you on your quest.
- Lots of blood.
- Huge game.
Might as well bitch about that stupid movie called "Way of The Gun" too. When we went to see it we were expecting the entire movie to be an action-packed adrenaline overdose. What it turned out to be was a cure for isomnia.

Let's start with the beginning. The 2 main characters get the shit kicked out of them. I think to myself: "This is gonna be a good movie". Next was the main guy narrating about his fucked up life. Okay, so I think: "What we have here is a possible Fight Club ripoff, but since Fight Club is one of my favorite movies, I think I am about to shit myself in joy". After that, is the sperm bank scene. I think: "WOW, you can get $3000 for your sperm? I think I my career path has now taken quite a turn! Getting paid to wack off into a jar is quite an appealing job/"

So pretty much the first 15 minutes are good. Then after the kidnapping scene does the movie start to suck its own balls. For the next hour, the movie consists of boring people talking about boring things, people standing around, people playing cards, and people talking about how their lives suck. Fucking hell we were all pissed off at this bullshit. We were about to leave when Eric says, "But there's one hell of a shootout at the very end.". So we stayed.

The shootout. I must say that this is the gayest shootout I have ever seen. Fuck, the shootouts in Copside 2, our home video we made with toy guns, are better than this!! (I'm fuckin serious!).

I shit you not, the highlight of this movie was when some guy's cell phone in the seat in front of us rang for the 5th time. Erin starts bitching at him, and some guy in the back row yells: "TURN OFF YOUR FUCKIN CELL PHONE YOU MORON!!!" and I almost got up and defecated in the middle of the theater. I didn't really care that the guy's cell phone was ringing, I was hoping it would ring some more, so a fight would break out in the theater and we'd have something actually entertaining to watch.

In conclusion, this movie was a waste of time, money, and an insult to all action movies. If I ever see the director of this movie, I will flip him the bird before throwing a molotov cocktail at him. Sheesh.
HOLLY SHIT!!!!

This thing really works. Anyway... Mike said I'm supposed to bitch about shit on here, so here I go!

Last night Mike and I (and our gf's) went to see "The way of the gun". Now when watching the commercials most think this movie looks pretty good... providing you like violence, guns and death. Although I have to admit there were a few good death scenes, one guy gets shot in the neck and another gets killed on a stretcher. Unfortunately other than those 2 semi-decent scenes, and a few okay gun fights... THE MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!! Whatever you do don't waste your money on this piece off shit! The first scene is okay but after that you sit there listening to an hour and a half of bad actors, acting bad... blubbering about all sorts of sappy emotional bull shit. Then at the end when you expect the "big finale" nothing really happens, the main characters get shot and die... and some old dude with bitch tits gets away with the money!

Note: for anyone who wanted to see this movie but isn't going to cause I ruined the ending, well believe me I'm doing you a HUGE favour because this movie licks big hairy monkey ass!

Oh to e-mail me click here. or check out my page www.bobs-jokes.8m.com.

l8er
Hey just who the fuck was that Eric Van Egdom guy who posted that last post? Well, he's a new staff member! Welcome to the hole, dude! Girls, send him pictures of your boobs.

Sunday, September 10, 2000

hey...
Well we have a new staff member on this site!! He's M.C. Rae and he's one of the funniest people I have ever met! I'll also have to change a few sections on this site cause it's not only run by me anymore. Expect things to get a lot more interesting around here!
I was about to post something FUCKING HILARIOUS on here but I'll wait until later today when Stultus.com reviews my site (and gives it a rating of -6), so all the new people who visit this site to punish themselves will get to see it! I can't fuckin believe I had written something like that... check back later today to read it!
Lack of oxygen to the brain while constantly having a 72-foot erection has caused brain damage to me, so here's a mindless update right now. It's some of my famous quotes on IRC, ICQ, and other chatrooms, and in real life:

"He's dead man, you don't have to keep poking him like that."
"Help me my penis is biting me."
"My dick is limp and dying! Somebody perform CPR on it quick!"
"I'm bleeding to death cause I tried to fuck a broken bottle."
"Rub my *lamp*, and a white genie will *come* out!"
"Aw fux0r!! One of my nuts fell off."

And guess whay? I have a massive txt file of all the screwed up things I have ever said... so every Sunday I will post some more quotes, and even start a "MiKE's Quotes" section on this site.
The night is young and there is a lot of porn out there to wank to. Actually it's 1am and I'll probably fall asleep at the computer, and probably die by electrocution from drooling on the keyboard. Then they'll find my body, with pictures of girls raping small animals on my computer screen.

Wow.

Saturday, September 09, 2000

I am starting a "DESTROY SHITTY CD's" section of my site. All you guys have to do is send me CD's that REALLY suck, like N-stink, Backdoor Boys, Hanson etc. Then I will put up a video of the CD being blown up, microwaved, eaten, oxidized, or anything else you'd love to see happen to a shitty CD like that!

Contact me and I will send you the address to mail the CD's to. More on this later!
I AM L33T H4X0R!!! PH33R M3!!!
Now what pisses me off is wannabe hackers who talk big shit but can't hack their way out of a paper bag. You see, these little script kiddies, who most likely don't know what HTML stands for, spread "ph33r" in chat rooms such as Yahoo and AOL. They use lame programs to convert text into �l�t� t��t l�k� th�s, and lamer programs that boot people out of rooms. However that is the only thing they know how to do. So if you are in a chat room and see any one of these losers, just piss them off and have fun watching them pretend they're hacking you when they ain't really doing shit! It's really fun!
All them lamers can "sux0r my dix0r".

Friday, September 08, 2000

It's just one of those days:



Ok everything is solved, you can all go back to wacking off again.
I borrowed the digital camera from work, cause it fucking kicks ass. To view the new pics I took, check out the personal pics section. I'm off to have a life, cya later.
Fucking prick!!!!!!
I have a problem. Blogger won't show all the posts in the archives section. I'm pissed off. I'll update once I have fixed this, which should be in about half an hour.

Thursday, September 07, 2000

I'm still messing with the site layout. After all, the reason no one likes dead animals is cause they look so damn fugly. Same with this site, it's gotta look good for people to actually like it.
I have determined what my site needs in order to become successful:

- Original Content (so far, I've hardly ripped off any sites at all)
- A fast server (hosting this site off my computer sucks)
- No ads (so far, so good, except on the intro page)
- Staff Members (would add more variety + more fucking updates too)
- Polls (I'd like to see how many people have had sex with a pillow)
- Pr0n.
- Good message board (the one right now sucks dead horse cock)
- More twisted videos, pics, articles, etc.

So over the next few weeks, you will see this site improve in each of those ways, I expect by mid-October that this site's popularity will equal that of the best sick-ass E/N sites out there. Yay and shit.
"Yo daddy so old he has to put his dick in the freezer to get hard!"
I am getting a webcam soon.
I've decided to utilise webcam technology to let people see what my life is like. Basically you can watch me look at animal porn, eat keys from my computer's keyboard, and scratch my nuts, without actually having to go within a 10 foot radius of me and risk catching retarditis.
Technology is wonderful. Especially when it's used for things like this.
What a shitty day today. It was pissing rain all day while I was working outside. !#^@#*@. But some pretty screwed up things happened today. First, some guys digging broke a gas line. While and explosion would have been very cool to watch, it wouldn't be worth it cause all my shit was sitting right next to where the gas line broke. So the site was evacuated and most of the workers looked like they were hoping for it to explode cause it was fucking cold as hell outside.
After that I went to the John to take a piss. It stunk worse than ever, and for some reason I looked down into the hole. What I saw (and smelled) scared the shit out of me. Inside, there was a massive turd, rotating in the corner. I'm serious it must have been 2 feet long! And it was fucking rotating for no reason at all. And the smell.... I was afraid my face would peel off from the noxious fumes coming from the john. It's scarred me for life.
Oops I have to go now, my 72 foot long dick somehow caught fire and I must put it out.

Wednesday, September 06, 2000

Okay I'm done for today. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beerholder!
Adidas... erm..woops... I mean Adios!
Here's a funny joke:
A guy is at a nude beach and sees another guy with a steering wheel instead of a dick.
He tells the guy with the steering wheel dick: "Hey, you have a steering wheel dick" and the other guy replies in a Scottish accent, "Yeah, it drives me nuts!!!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...Ok maybe that wasn't revolutionarily funny, but I felt the urge to post something. Just like I feel the urge right now to chew on another power cord. Mmmmmm tastes...... tingly...
I have a Beta VCR. I also have a funny 80's porno that came with it. Well it didn't come with it, it was jammed in the VCR so that's why the guy sold the whole thing to me for $10.
80's porn movie huh? Somehow it just seems wrong that people are fucking to Bon Jovi and Winger music. Not only that, but it isn't even in english, but it's set in San Fran. But it's a porn movie, so who the fuck notices those little details?

I still have to fuck with the layout of this page... the HTML tables could look a lot better.
Also if anyone knows of a good web hosting service without banners or advertising please tell me. It'd make this site load up a lot faster, so you can masterbate to my posts quicker.
Sorry if my page looks fucked up right now, but I'm editing the layout too look better...
Hey like the "Piss Drinking" picture? To watch the video, check out the Twisted Videos archive!
"UUUNNNGGGHHHH SIDEWAYS BABY UUNNNGGGHHH!!!!!"
Soy un perdedor... I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.
I took a piss and I got more piss on the floor, walls, sink, and toilet seat than in the toilet. Why? ...Well, now I know why it's impossible to wack it and piss at the same time.

Speaking of piss, today at work I was dewatering (draining the soil of water..duh). This is done by sticking a huge pipe with holes in it straight into the ground 30 feet and letting water drain into it, then pumping it out. Well, I was sitting there by the pump, pissed off that the water was being pumped out so fucking slow. So when no one was looking, I took a piss into the pipe from a big hole in the side. I almost got caught, too!
Fucking pipe. Tomorrow I'd like to sit on it and take a shit. Hell, it'd be a lot better than using the fucken Jiffy john at work, which STILL needs to be cleaned out.
My mouse has dirty balls.
I move my mouse around and the arrow on the screen just jiggles around. What the fuck. So I remove the mouse's nut/ball/mousicle/whatever. Notice how the mouse does not function without its ball. Well I'm sure I wouldn't function without my nuts either. Actually, I'd shoot myself.
Now anyways, the mouse ball is covered in dirt and shit, and on the inside of the mouse I see all this weird shit like dead bugs, dirt, asbestos, etc. How the fuck did a gum wrapper get into my mouse?? After pulling out all the shit and cleaning the ball (huhhhuhhuh huhhuh), the fucking mouse still didn't work. Fucker.

Tuesday, September 05, 2000

Wow, 5 updates today. I guess I must have eaten oysters or something. My radio station will not be on tonight, and probably not for the rest of the week.

I need a fucking car. I'm tired of walking (literally). Maybe I shouldn't have thrown away my old van... but it was so rusty that you would need a tetanus shot just by looking at it. All it was was a big chunk of hollow rust on wheels.
I need a fucking car.
I'm off to bed to dream about dead squirrels masterbating. Goodnight.
In the Twisted Videos section you may notice a video or two is offline. Sorry bout that, as usual, I will punish myself later.

Here's a Confucious (I don't fucking care if I spelled it wrong, suck my to-to) quote of the day to liven things up:
"Man fuck porcupine, feels horny all day."

I think I now know why this site only gets 2 hits a day. Thank you.
I submitted my site to STULTUS to get reviewed. I really don't think it will get higher than a 1, but hey, anything to get some well-needed hits.

More visitors to this web site would also kick adequate ass.
Ever had to take a shit in a portable john that hasn't been cleaned in 3 weeks?
I bet the stink from that thing knocked out my sense of smell for the rest of my life.
Fuck, I'd rather pinch a loaf in the middle of a busy street.
Holy hot monkey shit you MUST see this video!!! From www.iamhappyblue.com:

Hindi Trippy Music Video
This is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever seen!! Make sure you have at least a cable modem to watch this!!

Monday, September 04, 2000

I would just like to say that my radio station won't be up tonight or tuesday. Sorry to the one person who actually listens to it.

The radiation from my computer monitor is giving me a nice tan. I should stop spending so much time in front of this damn box before my dick mutates and goes on a killing rampage.

Sorry... let me just put down the crack pipe and go to bed.
Nite!
Since I know Flash 4, I thought I might as well actually fucking use it, so as you can see, I have a new Flash 4 entry button on the main page. It's a simple little animation, but hey, I made it in 5 minutes so if you don't like it you can suck my left dick!

If you want to see a really funny animation that I made in Infotech class, click here!!!! It's called "Fartosz", and it is a very small file. By the way, those black things that rise up in the background are obviously supposed to be buildings. Jeez..
What a slow day it is today. To kill some time I watched "The Green Mile", and I actually liked it, which means something is probably wrong with me.

I fucking hate censorship. Everytime I hear Everlast's "What's it Like" on the radio, I get pissed off cause half the fucking song is butchered. It fucks up the song so badly you can't really listen to it. They tried using backwords bleeping (the swearing and stuff is played backwards instead of being bleeped from the song... or else the song would be techno or something with all the bleeps) the song still sucks. Fuck, everyone knows what is being said anyways, so what is the point of censorship? To protect the over-sensetive fairies who will shrivel up and die if they hear any vulgarity???
You know, if censorship would be completely gone, everyone would be vulgar to the point where all four letter words would be used normally in everyday language. Then there wouldn't be any problem with weak people being offended by bad words. Did you know that back in the middle ages, the word "fuck" was used as a regular word?? There was nothing offensive about it. I think it is quite a wonderful word, don't you agree?
Just listen to this hilarious (but true!!) sound clip:

Useage of the word "fuck".mp3

I rest my case.
Eric suggested I take TheSpark.com personality test. Well out of pure boredom I did, and here are the results:

-----------
"Like just 13% of the population you are a GURU (SEAF)--kind, knowing, giving. Like Buddha of old, you can be a persuasive speaker, and you use your creative talents to further the objectives of your heart instead of your mind. But be careful that your friends don't take advantage of your relaxed nature, that's what happened to Jesus.

Above all, you like going with the flow. And there is probably nothing in the world you haven't smoked. That's cool. Oh yeah, you like to talk a lot. That's cool, too. Whatever."
-----------

If you're thinking "WTF????", then you're not alone....

Sunday, September 03, 2000

I am so fucking bored. I ate the spacebar on my keyboard. Mmmmm.... it tasted..... plasticy...

If anyone has a website, I can give you a free website address like: "yourname.twistedmike.com". Email me and I'll do it, I'm serious.

I'm going to go to bed now. Good fucking night.
If you ever want to see an insanely fucked up movie, watch "Titus". I swear to god this has to be the most screwed up thing I have ever seen. It is basically a Shakespeare play set back in ancient Rome, where for some odd reason people drive cars, fight with swords AND machine guns, and play videogames. It also has Matrix-style special effects.
Even though you don't know what the fuck is really going on in this movie, it's still pretty fun to watch. In a screwed up sorta way.
It's a movie made by people on drugs, FOR people on drugs.
I updated some other sections of this site. Not like you care.
Maybe if I added some pr0n (pornography, for you non-l33t people), then this site would get a little more popular.
My penis is 72 feet long.
Most guys would love to have a monster dick like me, but it's no fun I tell ya. Wherever I walk, it drags on the ground behind me, and it sometimes gets caught in bushes or dogs chase it and start biting it. Once I was walking down a nice neighborhood with my long shlong dragging behind me and some kid hit it with a hockey stick. Ouch.
Whenever I have sex with a hot chick, I can't see her cause she's so far away. My meatsaber is so big that I'm too scared to beat off, cause it might beat me back.
I hate my 72 foot long penis.

Friday, September 01, 2000

There is something rotting in my basement. It fucking stinks. I swear, it smells like decaying human flesh. I guess I should have put a few more garbage bags on those bodies....

Oh shit, ignore that last sentence I just wrote. I'm too lazy to delete it.
Today I got to work all day in pouring rain. Good thing I was wearing my raingear... but I don't know what the hell the point was, cause I got wet anyways. YOu see, if you don't wear raingear you get soaked in the rain, but if you do wear it, you get soaked in your own sweat, cause there's no air circulation while wearing it.
Frankly, I'd rather lick a poodle's ass for 12 straight hours rather than work in the rain.