Thursday, November 30, 2000

The Night Before Sexmas



'Twas the night before Sexmas, and God it was neat,

The kids were both sleeping, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,

Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,

That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,

Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,

Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver half out of his sled,

A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,

Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off you nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,

Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,

Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,

As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,

He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,

"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,

Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,

The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,

But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,

And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,

And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A Cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,

A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.

So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split"

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,

With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,

Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,

"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
Fuckin shit!!!! At work today I went to take a shit in the shitter, and I saw that it was fucking full!!! I swear, I opened the lid, and there was this mountain of shit under it almost reaching the top!!! It was kinda shaking too, like gelatin, as if it were alive. It smelled like Satan's ass too... fuck!

So I took a shit in the urinal.

www.slurrey.com


has been registered!


It now points to this page, but soon it will have it's own page where you can hear Surrey Jokes, view the Surrey Slut archive, read about shit that happens in Surrey, and see all the pranks and shit we do!! It'ss be a kickass page! Coming soon!

Wednesday, November 29, 2000

I think I may have found a host.

I've decided that this site will become a little more Canadian. How, I have no idea. But I know one thing, there aren't many Canadian EN sites out there. Hell I don't know ANY.

CanadiEN. Hey I like that... has a nice ring to it.

Fuck I also need more staff. Not that there is anything wrong with the current staff (coughcoughinfrequentpostingcoughcough), but a little variety would make this site appreciated by people other than the weirdos who like to hear about me and my misadventures with my 72 foot shlong.

Once I get a reliable host I can start advertising my site, without worrying that too many people viewing it will cause my computer to explode and blow up my house.

Monday, November 27, 2000

You know we are living in some sad, sad times when people are beating the fuck out of each other trying to buy a Playstation 2.

Watch the 15 MB video. And look at the guy in the dark red shirt punching people in the head to have a chance of getting what is currently shittiest videogame system in the world.
There is a rumor that a giant fire-breathing penis is swimming towards Tokyo right now to cause mass destruction. Is there any hope in defeating the almighty Cockzilla? Tune in next time MiKE smokes some very good shit again!
Blogger, the thing I use to update this site, was designed by a bunch of buttfucking turd-bandits. I had just typd up a post about how I voted, and suddenly it disappears!! Fucking sockcucker!!!

Sunday, November 26, 2000

Today I present you: The Beaner Remix!!!!
It's a preview though, we still have to record the whole song:

Beaner Remix Preview (250k)

Saturday, November 25, 2000

Features 3 and 4 are up on the Features page. They were up since this morning, but I was unable to post on here cause my computer was busy crashing itself repeatedly. Everyone knows that feeling of "Oh shit..." when they turn on their computer and the monitor suddenly tunrs off in the middle of loading Windows.

Friday, November 24, 2000

WINAMP FARTED.

I am sitting here listening to am MP3 while doing some Photoshop editing, and everytime I apply any special effects, Winamp emits a heavy FARTING sound. Since when did computer programs start making bodily function noises?

Thank Artificial Intelligence for that. Soon computers will be taunting us, and taking shits in our toilets.
I think I may switch religions. Doesn't Cantaloupism sound great?

I find comfort in the fact that there are other people out there almost as weird as I am.
I wrote a limerick. Hee. Hee.

There once was a cat named Fred
And a bird bit off his head.
Then rats chewed his butt
And.. uhh... ate his butt
And the carpet became red.

Oh how I wish I was back in elementary school writing these things. My teacher always used to send me in for psychiatric evaluations and I got to miss part of class.

Thursday, November 23, 2000

Features 3 and 4 are coming this weekend, and maybe some videos of us making prank calls too if I ever get my retard computer working properly again. Feature 3 is us at Boston Pizza doin funny shit, and Feature 4 is us causing mayhem at our high school. Fun shit.
Holy shit it was raining and cold and shit at work today.... and I LOVED EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT. I mean, you can't change the weather, so why make yourself misearable over it. Besides, time goes a lot faster when you are enjoying the cold and pneumonia and shit.

I noticed something. 90% of all girls from my high school that use ICQ have unreadable names with really weird symbols. Coincidence? I think not.

Wednesday, November 22, 2000

www.amigothornot.com
Are you goth? Find out here!

Fuck, that is so pathetically lame. While there are some really hot chicks on there, 90% of the 'people' on there don't even look remotely human.
Am I one of them? YOU decide!

Oh and some guy set up quite a few live cameras in his house. You can watch him eat, sleep, feed the girlfriend and fuck his cat. There is also a chat room thingy beside the live camera player so you can chat to him and he'll tell you to fuck off. Funny shit.
www.weliveinpublic.com
Jeezus lizard. I can post again! Woo fucking hoo!
Well, back to chatting on IRC again. #thestileproject on Efnet. I'm seeing how many people I can actually gross out/piss of in there! Tough audience.
Oh my god.
I still can't update this page! BLOGGER IS ASS-RAPING MY SITE!!! IT WON'T LET ME UPDATE!!!

Fuck you, Blogger.

Tuesday, November 21, 2000

Blogger keeps givin me this error:

Error 504: tag not found

It's like an "error 404: file not found", except I don't know what the fuck this one means. I think the people at Blogger are too busy spanking each other with quite sizeable rubber penises while listening to Elton John, to help me out. Fack.
Blogger sucks and Celine Dion still gives me nightmares. This is another test post on this website that you will probably not see.
Fucking computer is on the fritz again. Well, here's something useful (and REALLY funny) to read, on my girlfriends page too:

Sex Ed



That cracked me up for hours. Especially that last picture there. LMAO!

Monday, November 20, 2000

Here's another reason why there haven't been any updates around here for the past couple of days. Everytime I try to update with Blogger, it givs me an error message. Here is what they say is the problem:

===
More server problems. As you have no doubt noticed, we're having more problems with our servers here. We thought we had the problem solved the other day, but obviously not. We're trying our best to deal with a flood of new users. We have some major upgrades in the works, but we're going to have to ask your patience for a few more days. Sorry for the annoyance. Thank you.
===

I don't expect this update I'm writing right now to work either. Damn.

Saturday, November 18, 2000

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the past few days this page has been down a lot. I havn't been on ICQ. I haven't gotten my porn fix, so my room has a case of 'sticky walls'. You know why? Cause my computer got fucked while I was installing a new cideo card. You see, I bought and ATI Rage128 ViVo, the one that lets you capture video AND output it onto the TV, and also accelerates your graphics to bitchin quality. All for only $199.

Well, it comes with a price.

It will also fuck with DirectX 8, won't install properly, and even though I'm sure Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.0 has nothing to do with accelerated 3D graphics, that crashes too now. So basically I spent the last 3 days trying to install new drivers, and rebooting my computer.

Rebooting my computer fucking blows green goats. It takes Scandisk about 30 fucking minutes to make sure my hard drive is intact. Keep in mind that with my new video card installed, the computer would freeze if I MOVED MY MOUSE TOO FUCKING FAST. Excuse me? I thought I had just bought a graphics *ACCELERATOR*. How much graphics power does it take to move a mouse across the screen? FACK.
Well, now everything seems to work better now. This webpage is now officially back.
For those of you who don't know me I have a mild obsession with politics. People often ask me why I am so interested in politics and here's the most condensed answer that I can give.

Why am I so interested in politics? If I were to answer you very simply I would say this: why shouldn't I be interested? That is to say, what blindness, what deafness, what density of ideology would have to weigh me down to prevent me from being interested in what is probably the most crucial subject to our existence? The essence of our life consists, after all of the political functioning of the society in which we find ourselves.

Wednesday, November 15, 2000

FUCK SHIT BITCH FUCK TIT!!!
Eminem/Limp/Xzibit/etc concert is fucking cancelled. Why? Cause Fred fucking Durst has a sore throat. Lizard humping cocksmacker!!!!!!

Well, at least I don't owe Eric so much fuckin money... and I got off early from work today. Yay.

PS On my way home from work I stopped by for an hour to watch this HUGE ASS fire!! Holy shit it was big. Who would know that a 3 storey house could make so much smoke? I was hoping it was a marijuana growin house but when I tried to inhale the fumes pouring out into the street... well... I don't remember... I regained consciousness an hour later.

Tuesday, November 14, 2000

Perfect Zero (a videogame music site I work for) is back up, under the new URL: www.system-zero.com. Check it out or I will force a screaming rabid porcupine robot up your anal cavity.
Tomorrow I am going to the Eminem/Limp Bizkit/Xzibit etc concert. So I won't really be around to update this page or answer email or wack off to live goat cams.

It should kick ass, I'll have a review of the concert on Thursday. PENATH!!!!!!!
It played Dark Angel on TV tonight. I nearly forgot about it cause I thought it was monday (long weekend fucks me up). So I took a nice pic of her humping a safe:

"Just cause a rain drop fell in the ocean 10000 years ago and a butterfly farted in India doesn't mean that's why were sitting here right now having coffee that tastes like goat piss." - Jessica Alba
I just deleted Jeremy Oberg from my ICQ list. For those of you who don't know Jeremy Oberg, count your lucky stars!!!

He is the biggest LOSER in the world, in parting he told me to "have a good life" and I responded "you as well" and he said "You know I won't."

Monday, November 13, 2000

Here's a special song that Mike Huppe wrote:

The skin on my dink
is pink I think
But after sex it's blue....
I FUCKED you!!!

I sounds even better when he sings it! MP3 coming soon of course.
Ah it was a nice long weekend. Not like I really did anything special... well I ate a large brick last night. Let me tell you that bricks don't digest very well. I had the unfortunate experience of shitting it out... and it broke the toilet.

We got lots more videos coming soon. Really fucked up ones... expect them online sometime at the end of the month.
I'm paranoid.

Saturday, November 11, 2000

Woops, looks like feature 3 won't be happening tonight, no one can show up!! So check back next week, for an awesome one.

PS, there is a nipple growing on my bedroom wall.
New feature up!!!
Check out the features section, we did a car chase yesterday...
Feature 3 coming tomorrow, and it's gonna be an awesome one!

Friday, November 10, 2000

I am fucking pissed off today at little kids who act like even littler kids, I'm sick and tired at people criticized by people who don't even know me. At least have the decency in you to leave me alone when you freaks see me out in the halls when I'm talking and hanging with my buddies to not come and speak to me. I don't know you, and no I don't owe you a motherfucking thing, I'm not Mr. Game link, I'm not what your friends think, I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick. Frankly I don't give a damn about you all!! I'm a sucessful university student and I am your teacher!!! so fuck y'all all y'all if you don't like me blow me!! That's right kids I AM your teacher I deserve a little respect!

Thursday, November 09, 2000

Ok ICQ sucks rotten dolphin nuts. I couldn't log into my account today, it kept tellimg me that my "rate limit has exceeded" or some shit like that, and it told me to try again in a few minutes. A couple of hours later, I still was unable to log on. Pissed off as hell, I unzipped my pants to jizz on the computer, then suddenly ICQ started working again. Nothing works better than the sound of the fly goin down.

ICQ stands for "I suck you". Ha ha. I made another funny.
Today this webpage was down. My computer crashed horribly, as you can see in the "MiKECAM LIVE" section. Fucken computer.

Anyways I took a shit today. It was one of those 40 foot long turds where you have to keep walking as you're taking the shit, or it will coil up underneath you until you end up sitting on it. I left it lying in the middle of the street. Oh yeah.
I'm fucking tired. I need some sleep.

I think it is because I go to sleep at around 12 AM every night, and get up at 5 am every morning. Studies suggest that you sleep for at least 8 hours to function properly, and I sleep only 5.

Eureeka. I have descovered the reason behind my mental retardation. No wonder I don't update this page that often on weekends... I sleep in, therefore I'm smart enough to stay the fuck away from this page.
If you are ever on Napster, I am known on there as "the guy with all the fuckin video game music!!!" or by my username, _crapster_. Feel free to leech all my videogame MP3's off me, I'm the only one there who has so many.

Wednesday, November 08, 2000

Sir Breastinspector has died.
It seems he was analyzing the saggy tits of a 600 pound old woman, when one of them rolled on top oh him and smothered him. Sir Breastinspector was unable to escape (being a scrawny short 12 year old?), and died while doing what he loved best. His body cannot be recovered due to the depth of the fat rolls he is embedded in. How terrible!

Tuesday, November 07, 2000

Goddamn it didn't play Dark Angel tonight. Licker of assholes!!!
Ever since the Backstreet Boys have infected music with their so-called 'music', I have been wonder how the hell these guys even became popular. They can't sing, play their own instruments, or attract any female over the age of 11. Well, I have just found the answer:


The word is out.
I'll be watching the Jessica Alba show tonight... on my TV and computer at the same time. On my computer I can get some new pics of her so I can stop using the same boring one everytime I mention her.

"Mmmmmm....."

Monday, November 06, 2000

Ok this page was down for a while because I got a new computer and I was moving all the parts over to it. So now this page is being hosted on an AMD K6-2 450mhz. Woo hoo.

So yeah, the computer is now in my room hooked up to pretty much everything i have in there. My computer can do anything for me, like turn on the TV, record shows, and suck my dick. It's amazing.

Sunday, November 05, 2000

Yesterday was a boring saturday night so we decided to cause a bit of mayhem. It was fucking hilarious. Click the link below, pictures inside!!

STEALING ELECTION SIGNS

Friday, November 03, 2000

YES!!! As a member of the Copside crew if this is true I'm extremely excited that Jim, Steve, Trech, Nix, Slade and the rest of the gang may appear on British television

vive le monde!
I've been to busy to post anything for days now. I don't blame IMWonderwomen for being an annoying bitch. I'd want to kill me if I wasn't me too. But you have to admit, she is rather amusing (for a moron). My nick name is pissing me off so bad, I should of sat and thought what nick name I wanted, instead of choosing the first thing that popped into my head. I just really love the old Meow Mix commercial. i'Ve goTTen iNtO thE HABIT oF goinG tO BEd at 9:30, so i'M reAlLy tiREd rigHt noW. sO me ThinKs ME wiLl be gOiNg to BeD sOoN. CAT pOOp sMELls.(Theres a little something for you to bitch about IMWonderwomen.)
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! WE'RE GONNA BE FAMOUS!!!!!!!
I got this in my email today:

===
Dear Mike,

My name is Claudine Parrish and I'm the assistant producer of a number of TV
clip shows which air on UK television.

I am writing to enquire whether you would be interested in having clips from
any of your twisted home movies featured on British television?

Our current production is a show called 'Tasteless TV' for the cable channel
Bravo. It is a collection of warped, strange and sexy clips from all over
the world with the emphasis on the bizarre and the hilarious accompanied by
an informative and witty voiceover.

I do hope that this is an opportunity which you are interested in. Ideally,
would it be possible to send us some screeners on VHS? Anyway, please do get
in touch and we can discuss how to proceed.

With very best wishes

Claudine Parrish
(address/telephone numbers removed)
===

KICK ASS HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!
Wow.
What the fuck is with daylight savings?? What the fuck is the point of setting the clocks back an hour? It just screws up everyone's biological clock, and I have to change the time on all of the 78 devices I own with clocks on them. Goddamn.

What's even worse it that it gets darker earlier. Daylight savings my ass! I don't see longer daylight, just less daylight. What the fuck man? At work now it gets dark at the end of the day and I am fumbling around the site in darkness, running into things and getting stabbed with pieces of reinforcing steel bars. I am still bleeding in 167 different places as I write this. Jeezus.
GO POST ON THE DISCUSSION BOARD RIGHT NOW!!!
Remember... YOUR opinions count on here! Well, not really, but the twistedmike.com staff posts there regularly and I always answer any questions on it so check it out!

We're havin fun in there hurling insults at each other!

Thursday, November 02, 2000

List of things that piss me off on ICQ:

- People who have nicknames that have underscores in them like hot_but_stoopid_chick_4u. Notice how ugly the _'s look. ICQ CAN USE SPACES YOU GIMP!!!

- When someone suddenly goes offline and pops back up again instantly. What the fuck is up with that?

- Useless forwarded shit. Check my ranting page.

- People who change their ICQ nickname every 4 minutes. I don't know who half the people on my list are anymore.

- When ICQ doesn't accept a file in DND mode. Shit on me.

- People who complain about my ICQ nickname (or lack of it...)

That's all I can think of right now without pissing myself off enough to go on a shooting rampage! Have a nice day.
Chrono Trigger.
Those of you lucky enough to play this game for the Super NES know what an awesome game this is. You travel through time trying to save the world, and meet really screwed up people, like a vampire-thing with blue hair, a frog with a sword, a mentally challenged robot, and a cave girl who looks like a supermodel. You even get to race against ... a dog with wheels named Johnny. Seriously!! He looks like a cross between a mutt and a motorcycle! What the fuck!

I love this game.

Wednesday, November 01, 2000

People are wondering where Sir Breastinspector is. Though he said he would update every day on his injuries he recieved from work, he hasn't been around for 2 days. The word is that he probably died or something. Or maybe not.

Once Copside 3 hits the internet, we'll all be famous. Hell, Copside 2 hasn't even been released to the public video sites yet. Once people watch Copside 2, it will become so popular that we can hype the shit out of Copside 3, even more so than Sony hyped the shit out of the Playstation 2. The difference is, we are hyping up something that will be worth the hype, get it? Click on the image below to go to the Copside site and watch Copside 2.
IT'S COMING....