Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Hey

I'm still alive. Kinda.
Exams are almost done, I'll post something when I have the time to.

Monday, October 06, 2003

You know you're a BCIT Computer Systems student when you're wondering if it's possible to make a noose out of an ethernet cable.
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?


A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.


Q: But the UN inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.


A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.


Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?


A: Yes. Invasions always work better than inspections.


Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?


A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, the occupying forces will find something, probably right before the 2004 election.


Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?


A: To use them in a war against their enemies, silly.


Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when the US and Britain went to war against them?


A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so in order to confuse us they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves by using any of the weapons of mass destruction.


Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?


A: Iraq is in the Middle East. It's a totally different culture. It's not supposed to make any sense to us in the West.


Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons President Bush said they did.


A: Well, you know, it doesn't really matter whether or not they had weapons of mass destruction. President Bush had another good reason to launch a preemptive strike against Iraq anyway.


Q: And what was that?


A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel and vicious dictator, which is another good reason to invade his country.


Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it okay to invade his country?


A: Well, for one thing, he tortured and killed his own people.


Q: Kind of like what they do in China?


A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic partner, where millions of people work for low wages in sweatshops to help US corporations achieve a high-profit margin. That helps all Americans.


Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures and kills its own people?


A: Right.


Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured and killed?


A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured or killed.


Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?


A: I told you, China is different.


Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?


A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is a Communist country.


Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?


A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.


Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?


A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.


Q: Like in Iraq?


A: Exactly.


Q: And like in China, too?


A: I told you, China's a good economic partner. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.


Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic partner?


A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being good capitalists like us.


Q: But if we repealed those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?


A: Don't be a smart-ass.


Q: I didn't think I was being one.


A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.


Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?


A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.


Q: What's a military coup?


A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.


Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?


A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Yes, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.


Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?


A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.


Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?


A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend because he helped us invade Afghanistan and supported our invasion of Iraq. In fact, just this week the US gave him several million dollars in foreign aid as a 'thank you' for being part of the Coalition of the Willing.


Q: Why did the US invade Afghanistan?


A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.


Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?


A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men -- fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, killing over 3,000 Americans.


Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?


A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.


Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chop off people's heads and hands?


A: Yes, that's exactly who they are. Not only do they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppress women, too.


Q: But didn't President Bush give the Taliban $43 million in foreign aid in May 2001?


A: Yes, but that money was a reward because the Taliban did such a good job fighting drug smuggling.


Q: Fighting drugs? The Taliban helped with the US war on drugs?


A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.


Q: How did they do such a good job?


A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.


Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was okay, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?


A: Exactly. It's okay with President Bush if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing the wrong kind of flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.


Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?


A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.


Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?


A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.


Q: What's the difference?


A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.


Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.


A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.


Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.


A: Yes, but they were trained in Afghanistan.


Q: Who trained them?


A: An evil man named Osama bin Laden.


Q: Was he from Afghanistan?


A: No, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.


Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.


A: Yes, when the US helped Osama and the Mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.


Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?


A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.


Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?


A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either. None of the three would join the Coalition of Willing.


Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?


A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough, for example, that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.


Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?


A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.


Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?


A: Well, yes. For a while.


Q: Was Saddam Hussein the ruler of Iraq back then?


A: Yes, but at the time Saddam was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend.


Q: Why did that make him our friend?


A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.


Q: Isn't that when Saddam gassed the Kurds and killed them by the thousands?


A: Yes, but since Saddam was fighting against Iran, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.


Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?


A: Most of the time, yes.


Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically our enemy?


A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American munitions companies can profit by selling weapons to both sides while the US manages not get involved in the conflict, then that is even better.


Q: Why?


A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is always on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?


Q: I think so. We attacked Iraq because God wanted us to. Is that correct?


A: Yes.


Q: But how do we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?


A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to President George W. Bush and advises him what to do.


Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because the president hears voices?


A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, and go to sleep. Good night.


Q: Good night, Daddy